Jokes News

There are two 25 year old men at the opposite sides of the world from each other. One is walking a high wire between two sky scrapers without a net. The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. What same exact thought is going through both of the minds ?

DON’T LOOK DOWN !!!!!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to lick them, gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

President Franklin D. Roosevelt found the polite small talk of social functions at the White House somewhat tedious. He maintained that those present on such occasions rarely paid much attention to what was said to them. To illustrate the point, he would sometimes amuse himself by greeting guests with the words, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.” The response was invariably one of polite approval.

On one occasion, however, the president happened upon an attentive listener. On hearing Roosevelt’s outrageous remark, the guest replied diplomatically, “I’m sure she had it coming.”

Two babies were in their cribs, when one baby said to the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.

“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.

“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.

“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”

“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy, “you’ve got pink booties and I’ve got blue ones.”

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.

“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.

“I’ve already done that,” she replied. “I did it last year.”

“You have to do it every year,” she was told.

“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

A guy walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, “All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, “All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

“You got a problem, buddy?”

“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

“Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “This is my people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! Our population will explode unless you help us!”

“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

“I DO need your help,” said Yeltsin, “could you possible send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

“Why, certainly! I’ll get on it right away!” said Clinton.

“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Yeltsin.

“Yes?”

“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Yeltsin.

“No problem,” replied the President. With that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.

“I need a favor. You’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said the President, “Print, ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE–SMALL’!”

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight10.3, Bar Night 2.5, Weekend Golf 6.1 and Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and Yard Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes
Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,

A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 2E This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

5 people were on a private plane. The smartest blonde, the president, the president’s wife, the presidents son and the pilot.
The problem was that there is only 4 parachutes. And soon they would crash. The president says while jumping out of the plane,”I get a parachute because I am the president.” The wife says,”I get one too because I am his wife.” The blonde says ,”I get one because I am the smartest blonde. The pilot says” go ahead kid, take the last parachute and live your life.” Then the kid says,”No we can both take one. That blonde lady took my school backpack.”

This poem was written by Mary C. Johnson age 93 of Southfield Nursing home, for a thanks to a doctor that saved her from a disease.

The sun was shining brightly,
And I could hardly wait,
To raise my breakfast window,
And gaze upon God’s estate.

The breeze was blowing gently,
And it brushed the flowers away,
All the nature was enchanting,
Upon this lovely day.

My eyes fell upon a little bird,
With a tender yellow bill,
Who was merrily chirping,
Upon my windowsill.

I smiled at him and cheerfully,
Held forth a crust of bread,
Then quickly closed the window,
And smashed his fuckin’ head.