Jokes News

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do scientists call it “re”search when looking for something new?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all in the 5th grade. Which girl had the biggest tits?

The blonde. (She was 18).

Next time you’re at your local bar or club, go up to one lucky lady and ask her if she has any german in her. If she says no, the say “do you want some?”

A Junior High School in Memphis, Tennessee sponsored a luncheon for the residents of a senior citizens home. The principal of the school received the following Thank You note.

* * *

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens’ luncheon. I’m 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I’ve known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can’t hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to go fuck herself.

God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnson

This jobless guy goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he’ll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket.

So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says “TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED”.

He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles. And the farmer says “It’s simple….just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket.”

The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop. There are thousands of them in there. He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going “Gobble gobble gobble”.

And the bloke says “No way, a wank is all you’re going to get.”

Q: What is the differance between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb

Two fleas meet on Miami beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.

The warm flea asks, “Why do you always show up shivering?” The cold flea replies, “I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker’s beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold ! To this the warm flea replies, “You’re doing it all wrong, if you’re from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you’re on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me.”

Next year comes around and there’s the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering. The warm flea says, “What happened? I thought I told you what to do?”

“You did,” says the cold flea, “and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad’s leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I’M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!”

A middle-aged woman took her three-year-old granddaughter, Molly, out for ice cream. She asked Molly what she wanted.

Molly said, “I want banilla!”

The woman said, “Honey, it’s *V*anilla. V–not B.”

Molly tried saying it again, but it came out VaBanilla. After some more coaxing, Molly finally said, “Vvvvvanilla!”

The woman said, “YES! Now, tell me again–what kind of ice cream do you want?”

Molly said, “I think I want chocolate.”