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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You
know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, ah!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder…those are friars!”

A guy wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

“Open the safe!” he yells at the girl behind the counter.

“But we’re not a real bank,” she replies. “There’s no money here. This is a sperm bank.”

“I know that, just do as I say. Open the safe and take
out a bottle.”

Nervously she does as she’s told.

“OK,” he says, “Now drink it!”

“DRINK IT? IT’S SPERM!” she cries.

“I know it’s sperm. Just drink it!” says the gunman.

Nervously, she uncaps the bottle and manages to drink it all down.

Suddenly the gunman rips off the balaclava and, to the girl’s astonishment, it’s her HUSBAND.

“There,” he says, “It’s not so hard, is it?”

What do you say to a man with two black eyes?

Nothing hes already been told twice

One day, an elderly cat dies.

When he goes up to Heaven and meets God, God says to him “Dear sweet sweet cat, you have been such a faithful to your owner, and he has been so curel to you.

Is there anything that I can give to you?” And the cat replies, “All my life, I had to sleep on some old cold rags. Could you give me a nice warm blanket?” God gives him a blanket and the cat leaves.

About a week later, ten mice die and when they meet God, they ask him for rollar skates, since they had kids chase them on rollar skates.

God grants their wish and they went off.

A couple weeks later, God meets up with the cat and says, “So how is your life going in Heaven?” The cat replies, “Great! In fact, those meals on wheels you have been sending me are great!”

Possible Titles for Lewinsky’s New Book:

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House :

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She’s Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

Going Down and Moving Up

Me and My Big Mouth

There were these five pigs. The first two went into a bar. The bartender asked, “What will you have?” They said five beers. They drank them, and asked, “Where is your bathroom?” The bartender said down the hall. Then the next two pigs came in the bar.
“What will you have?” said the bartender.
“What did our two brothers have?” The bartender said five beers.
“We’ll have ten beers.” They drank them. They asked, “Where is your bathroom?”
“Down the hall.”
The last pig came in to the bar.
“What do you want?”
“What did my brothers have?”
The bartender said the first two had five beers, the second two had ten beers.
The lone pig said, “Give me fifteen beers.”
He drank them and started eating the peanuts off the bar. The bartender said, “Don’t you need the bathroom?”
The lone pig said, “No I’m the one that goes ‘wee wee wee’ all the way home.”

A pastor asked a youngster: “Johnny, do you know where little boys go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?”

“Yes, pastor,” the boy answered. “They go to the movies“.

Dear Abby,
I’ve been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now, I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can’t remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do? - Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs, fuck her.

Have you heard about the Kerry library that was burned down?

Both books where destroyed, and worse still, one hadn’t even been coloured in yet.

Q. “What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?”

A. “A lickher cabinet.”