Jokes News

Mike Tyson is about to be released from prison, but before his release he has to be evaluated for his retention of appropriate grammar and vocabulary. He meets with an evaluator who tells him that he is going to have to spell three words and correctly put them into a complete sentence.

Evaluator: “Do you think you can handle this Mike?”
Tyson: (Using best Tyson impersonation) “Ya…ya I fink so.”
Evaluator: Ok then, the first word is dog.”
Tyson: dog..uh…D O G…dog, My neighbor gots a spotted dog.”
Evaluator: Good job Mike, ok the next word is cat.
Tyson: (Grinning proudly) cat….uh, ok ok….C A T.”
Evaluator: “And the sentence?”
Tyson: “Oh yeah yeah….I aint got no cat!”
Evaluator: “Ok good Mike, now this last one is going to be very difficult, are you ready.”
Tyson: (Nervous)….Yeah, yeah, I fink so!”
Evaluator: “Ok, the word is dictate.”
Tyson: dictate!?….uh…..
D I C…..T A….T E, dictate.
Evaluator: (Excitedly) “Excellent Mike, you spelled it correctly. Now the sentence.”
Tyson: (A few moments pass as he thinks intently…suddenly his eyes flash up and he looks at the evaluator and says,
“YO Bit, how my Dic Tate!”

to be sung to “Walkin In A Winterwonderland”

Lacy things - wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask her permission,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store - there’s a teddy
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walking round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?” I’ll say “Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our wives are out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

A lady was taking a poll on birth control.

She stopped at one house and asked the lady what kind of birth control method she uses. The lady replied, “The pill.”

She goes to the next house and asked that lady what her method was. “The condom,” she replied.

Then she went to the third house and asked the lady the same question. “Well, as you can see I am very tall, and my husband is short. We do it standing up, using the Bucket and Saucer method.”

“The bucket and saucer method?” the poll taker asked.

“Yes, I stand him on the bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.”

One day the Pope was going to a United Nations meeting in New York. When his plane arrived, the airport was mobbed. Finally, the Pope got into his limo. Because of the mob, the Pope was way behind schedule. So, he told his driver to go faster. His driver went a little faster but not that much. The Pope getting anxious told him to go even faster. The driver slightly went faster. Now the Pope was getting really anxious and told the driver to get into the back. The Pope took over driving. Well, the Pope was going at least 110 mph and before he knew it, there was flashing lights behind him. The Pope mumbled some things under his breath and pulled over. The cop stepped out. He walked over to the limo and began:

“Do you understand sir that you were going 110 mph on a . . . oh my God, your Holiness! I’m sorry, if I knew I would have never . . . oh, please continue, I am so sorry.”

The Pope muttered a prayer over the policemen and sped off. The policeman went into his car and radioed his chief. He said:

“Sir, you are not going to believe who I just pulled over.”

The chief responded:

“Oh man, don’t tell me you pulled the mayor over again?”

“No, chief, bigger.”

“Okay, the governor then?”

“Nope. Even bigger.”

“Don’t tell me you pulled over the damn president!?”

“No.”

“Who then, who?”

“I don’t know, chief, but his driver’s the Pope.”

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don’t reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes,looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

yo mama is so fat it took three tanks of gas and a four hour push just to get around her.

A young couple decided to tie the knot, so they went to the doctor for physical exams.

Afterward the doctor called the young man into his office and told him he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has gonorrhea.”

The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what
the hell is the bad news!?”

“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “The bad news is that she didn’t get it from you.”

Former President Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II both die on the same day, and by some error, the Pope gets sent to hell, while Bill Clinton goes to heaven.

Eventually, it’s been learned that there’s been a mistake. So Clinton has to get on the down escalator going from heaven to hell, while the Pope goes on the up escalator from hell to heaven. (Of course it’s an escalator.)

Clinton sees the Pope and says, “Your Excellency, how do you feel?” The Pope says, “I am so excited. After a life of service to God, I shall finally meet the Virgin Mary.”

Clinton replies, “Oops.”

On one of the rare occasions that the Clintons were sleeping in the same bed, Hillary awoke at 2 a.m. and had to go to the bathroom.

She shook Bill vigorously until he awoke from his deep slumber, mumbling, “What. . .what. . .what?”

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Hillary says.

“Well, why in the hell did you wake me up to tell me that?”

“I want you to save my place!”

If Man is King…
And King is Ruler…
And a Ruler is 12 Inches…
Then Whatever Happened to Man?!?!?!