Jokes News

The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Texan Say:
39. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Texan say is:

1. Elvis who?

1. Aussie hair products are produced in Minnesota.
2. Most Foster’s Beer found in North Americas is brewed in Canada.
3. The Subaru Outback is produced in Lafayette, Indiana.
4. You can find an Outback Steakhouse in at least 10 countries. Australia is not one of them.

10. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life.

9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.

8. Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind.

7. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

6. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life.

5. How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?

4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

3. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?

2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

1. I’m Not Parton With Dolly

There was an egg in a pub and a woman comes over and begins to chat him up. They have a dance and at the end of the night the woman asks him if he wants to go back to her place. He says ‘OK’ so he collects his bag and leaves.

When they get to her house she says, ‘I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable’

She returns wearing a small purple garment. The egg who always carried this bag opened it and put on a crash helmet which was inside. “Is there something wrong?” the woman said.

“Yes,” said the egg, “last time I was this hard someone hit me on the head with a spoon!”

The IS department has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Addendum: Does anyone have any ideas on how much it would cost to install etch-a-sketch on 300 desktops?

Q: How do you confuse an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it’s from.

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn’t have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was staring at her.

“What on earth are you doing?” asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, “I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!”

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”

The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

A man is standing on a corner with a sign that says “Toothbrushes for sale”. A passer-by asked what kind of idiot would actually buy a toothbrush on the corner?

The business man said (with a lisp) “I acuawally sell more than toofbrushes. I also sell chips and dips”. The passer-by thought that was great and desided to sample his dips. “The first one is okay - let’s try another one”. He moves to the next - “This one tastes like cabbage”. The salesman said “it is - vewy good”. He tries the last one and spits it out and yells “This one tastes like shit!”

The salesman said “It is - wanna buy a toofbrush?”

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing!

She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, ‘The Gold Dust Twins are coming,’ and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling’ and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly control myself. BUT, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,’ I laughed out loud.”

“Case Dismissed!” said the Judge.