Jokes News

A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and inquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot, which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want it to.

Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

Man: “Do you speak English?”
Parrot: “Yes.”

M: Hablas Espanol?”
P: “Si!”

M” “parlez vouz Francaise?”
P: “Oui!”

M: “Sprechen sie Deutsch?”
P: “Jawohl!”

M: “Falas Portugues?”
P: “Sim.”

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, “Do you speak Yiddish?”

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: “Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?”

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

One day a guy was out doing yard work when his very attractive blonde female neighbor came stomping outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, slammed it shut, and stomped back in.

A few minutes later the blonde stomped outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, looked in and slammed the door shut again.

This continued 3 or 4 more times.

The last time the blonde flung open her door, marched to the mailbox flung open the mailbox looked inside and slammed the door shut harder then ever.

Confused, the man asked, “Something wrong?”

The blonde looked at him and said, “Yes there’s something wrong - My stupid computer keeps saying ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!!’”

A submissive housewife goes to the doctor and when she gets home her husband ask her what the doctor said, timedly she said he told me I had beautiful legs, hubby laughs smugley and says oh sure ..what else did he say, Oh he said I had very beautiful breasts. sure hubby says, what did he say about your big fat ass……. she thought for a minute and then said “He didn’t even mention your name”

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Because his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.

Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?”

The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way, you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”

“Well then”, the lawyer asked, “How do you get out to the sailboat?”

“Good question.” The salesman told him that he could get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if he didn’t mind getting wet.

“Oh, I get it,” the lawyer replied, “It’s Row vs Wade.”

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

Republican Texas governor, George W. Bush stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore meanwhile stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife,”Honey, I wantyou to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!”

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.”Now watch,” he said.Next he said, “Dick, ten-HUT!”

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection.Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!”

And his dick deflated again.”Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife.

“Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s

really something else!”

The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.
So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy’s full attention!

After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.”

Then he said “Dick, ten-HUT!” and his dick sprang to life.

Then it was “Dick, at EASE!”But nothing happened.

So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!”But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, “For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!”
Still nothing.Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom.

His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.”What in the world are you doing? she asked.

The guy says, “I’m givin’ this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorabledischarge!”