Jokes News

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve already changed my will three times!”

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

“What kind of business do you want to start?” asks the bank manager.

“I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on pussy and it makes it taste like a peach.”

“I don’t think we can give you a loan,” was the reply, so the guy left.

A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. The same bank manager came up to him and remarked, “Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.”

“Nah, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.”

“Really?” replied the bank manager. “What does it do?”

“Give me a peach and I’ll show you.”

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?

RUFF!

A waitress has just finished giving her manager a headjob in the store room. She checks her appeareance in a mirror and returns to the dining areas to check on her customers.

A gay man enters and is seated in her section. She goes over to him and not realizing how tall he is even seated she welcomes him and asks what he’d like to drink.

Sniffing the air of her breath the gay says, “Oh!” I just love your breath mints.”

Once there were three little pigs in a bar. They all order beers and suck them down but only two go to the bathroom to pee.

The two little pigs return and all three order another beer.

They suck those down and the same two go to the bathroom.

The waiter asks the pig still sitting at the table why he never goes to the bathroom. The pig replies, “I’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”.

A policeman was driving around in his patrol car. After he pulled off an expressway, he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, and he noticed someone at a KFC fast food place getting into his car. They guy had placed a bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the policeman decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his bucket of chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looks at the policeman and says, “No thanks, I just bought some.”

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how much in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even after all these years, holding hands the way you do.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor. I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

These are 10 different ways of knowing that your kid is too old for breast freeding.

10. He can open the blouse himself.
9. While sucking one breast he caresses the other one.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses the milk as a creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos”.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, “We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue.”

The woman said, “My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he’d turn over in his grave.”

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. “Take her to Whirling Walter!”

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched the intruder get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and whispered, “Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn’t seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!”

“Darling,” the wife said, spitting out her gag. “I’m so relieved you feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.”