Jokes News

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening, and he asks, “Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?”

“No,” she replies.

“Is that your final answer?”

“Yes, that’s my final answer!” she insists.

The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks, “May I phone a friend?”

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor. “Do you drink much?”

“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.”

“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.

“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it.”

“Well, uh,” said the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”

“Oh, no!” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been.”

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”

“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”

“OK,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!”

Apparently Paula thought she was going to see a visitor from another planet when she went to Clinton’s hotel room that night.

The state trooper who summoned her to Clinton’s room told her that Clinton wanted her to see the extraterrestrial.

He was really supposed to ask her if she wanted to see the extra testicle!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and feel your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, “What the hell” and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

1. Slapping the salami

2. Waxing the weasel

3. Flogging the Log

4. Husking the Corn

5. Rubbing the Genie lamp

6. Peeling the Banana

7. Making the camel spit

8. Shanking the inmate

9. Spelunking with BOB

10. Choking the Chicken

11. Stroking the poodle

As a professional clown, John entertains groups at parties and company picnics. Once, an inebriated guest began heckling him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act. Trying to ignore him wasn’t working, so he used a different tactic.

Slipping his arm around his shoulder, John looked him in the eye and said, “Mister, I get paid to dress up and make a fool of myself–what’s your excuse?

He said not another word!

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

“So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.

“Yep”, replies Bob.

“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”

Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”

“WHAT??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”

“Sure,” Bob says.

“WHY?” asks Jeff.

“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘Are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’ So I said: ‘I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’”