Jokes News

Did you hear that they caught the Lone Ranger?

They took off his mask, put him up on a horse, and then put a noose around his neck. Before they hanged him, they asked him if he had any last requests…

He said “yes” and that he would like a big cigar to smoke! Well, they gave him one and he began to smoke and puff, and puff and smoke. Just then one of the cowboys from the back of the crowd ran up yelling…”You idiots! Don’t you realize that his side-kick is Tonto and he is sending him smoke signals!”

Just then, on the ridge came an Indian with hundreds of naked women on horseback! The Lone Ranger groaned… “Oh
Tonto, you never could spell, I said P-O-S-S-E!”

Yo’ mama so stupid, she thought Biggie Smalls was a new value meal at Wendy’s.

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically
at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband.

She confided in a friend, “We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted.

Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells.”

She sobbed again, then added, “If that fire engine hadn’t clanged by, he’d be alive today.”

True Story: I went to lunch at an Olive Garden restaurant with a group of co-workers one day. One of the guys who went with us, Ilya, is a Russian immigrant who is still working on his English skills. I had been encouraging him to use more American idiomatic expressions and slang.

The waitress at the restaurant seemed very nervous. When she brought out the drinks she spilled them all over the table. Of course everyone broke out laughing. Except me, that is, because I had been a waiter in my college days so I knew exactly how she felt.

Ilya also knew that I was a former restaurant worker. So he said to everyone including the waitress, “The reason he is not laughing is because he has been in her pants before.”

Pants, shoes, what’s the difference?

Did you know they’re having a hard time with the DNA on Monica Lewinsky’s dress….

It seems everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA!

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You know how Bill & Hillary met don’t you?…..

They dated the same girl in college!

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Did you hear Hillary is now getting up at 4 AM every morning?……

She stated the she is going to be the First Lady!

Your Mama’s so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: Miami, Nashville, New York City, Pittsburgh, Chicago…

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor examines him and gives him a prescription for suppositories.

“Take two of these a day and come back in two weeks”, said the doc.

After two weeks, the guy returns and the doctor says, “Well, how did that medicine I prescribed work for you?”

The guy says, “Doctor, for all the good those damned things did me, I coulda shoved ‘em up my butt!”

Acording to the Jewish religion, when a couple gets married they cannot have sex for 3 days and 3 nights. So the first night goes by and Abe says to Sadie, “Sadie, lift up your nightgown.” Sadie says, “Tee hee, I vont!”

Second night goes by and Abe says to Sadie, “Sadie, lift up your nightgown.” Again, she replies, “Tee hee, I vont!”

Now the third night goes by and Abe is getting upset. “Sadie, lift up your nightgown!”

With that Sadie runs into the bathroom. Abe starts pounding on the door and says, “Open the door or I’ll break it down!”

Sadie says, “Look, you can’t even lift up a nightgown, what makes you think you can break down a door?”

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.

“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.

“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”

A doctor walks up to a teller to pay a bill at the bank. He reaches into his top pocket to pull out a pen to sign a cheque but instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. The teller looks at him strangely as the doctorsays, “some asshole has got my pen.”