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In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the Points System.
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SIMPLE DUTIES:

Making The Bed:

You make the bed …………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets …………………-1

Toilet Etiquette:

You leave the toilet seat up……………………………….-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty …………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom…………..-2

Running Errands:

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings……..+5
In the snow………………………………………………+8
But return with beer ……………………………………..-5

Night-Time Security:

You check out a suspicious noise at night…………………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing …………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something ………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………..+10
It’s her pet…………………………………………….-10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy…………………………………….-2
Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………………-6
Tiffany has implants ……………………………………..-8

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………….0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar …………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ………………………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team ………………..-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal…………………………………………-5
The pal is happily married ………………………………..-4
Or frighteningly single …………………………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang…………………………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ………………-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie……………………………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate …………………………..+6
You take her to a movie you like …………………………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3 ……………………………………-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ……………………..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ……….-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………….-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it……………………………………………….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts …………………………..-30
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too!” ……………..-800

THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, “Do I look fat?”

You hesitate in responding ……………………………….-10
You reply, “Where?” ……………………………………..-35
Any other response……………………………………….-20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……………………….0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ……..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the time …+100
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep ………….-50

Once there was this lady and she was walking to the store when she passed her daughter (a hooker) who was in a line.

“Why are you in that line, honey?” (Not wanting to tell her mom that she was caught being a hooker and they were at a police station to be arrested), she quickly blurts, “We are in line for free oranges.”

“I need oranges, I will just stand behind you.”

When the police finally get to the mother he asks, “How do you do it, old lady?”

Thinking he is referring to the eating of a orange she says, “I take off my dentures, peel back the skin and suck ‘em dry.”

Did you here that the Cincinnati Bengals traded Carl Pickens for Monica Lewinsky?

Yeah! Now the whole team sucks!!

O’Brien meets the usual crowd of guys at Flanigan’s, the local pub.

“Listen,” he says, “I just heard that new bar, ‘Shenanigans’ has a great deal for new customers…

For five bucks, they give you a pitcher of beer and then they take in back and get you laid.”

“Sounds like bullshit,” says one of the guys. “Who told you about this deal?”

“My sister.”

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

The 5 worst things about being a penis is……..
1.You have a hole in your head.
2.Your best friend is a cunt.
3.Your next door neighbors are 2 nuts and butthole.
4.Every time you get excited you throw up.
5.You always are wearing a collar.

For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

“You are not getting older,
You are getting better.”

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”

It wasn’t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”

After hours of polishing his new, chromed-out Harley, a young stud rides it down the main street of town, sure that every eye is on him and his beautiful new bike.

At the stoplight, an ol’ geezer pulls up on the ugliest, rustiest, oil-dripping piece of junk motorcycle the young stud has ever seen. The ol’ geezer grins a toothless grin and asks, “So, how do ya like her?”

The young stud beams with pride and says, “Great! I just love it!”

As the light turns green the ol’ geezer grins, takes off in a cloud of blue smoke and shouts,
“Well thanks! Your ride ain’t too bad either!”

your mama’s so fat it took her 2 dump trucks to haul ass