Jokes News

While the U.S. stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were standing at Heaven’s Gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Thibodeaux: “How did you get here?”

Boudreaux: “Hypothermia. You?”

Thibodeaux: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of screwing around and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”

Boudreaux: “Tee boy, if you had just checked the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive!”

Traffic was excessively heavy at an intersection in New York City.

A very obviously pregnant woman, stepped right out into traffic to cross the street and the screeching of brakes could be heard for blocks.

One irate truck driver leaned out his window and yelled:
“Hey Lady!! You can get knocked DOWN, too!”

Did you know diarrhea was genetic?

IT RUNS IN YOUR JEANS!!!!

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table. I opened the refrigerator and, taped to the inside of the door, was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfect-built, but scantily-clad, young woman.

“Mom, what’s this? I asked.

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat,” she answered.

“Is it working?” I asked.

“Well, yes and no,” she replied. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20! He just seems to stay ‘hungry’ all the time these days!”

After 40 years, Mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty; and, to our surprise, was not only selected for a jury, but was elected the foreman.

It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife’s lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath, as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict.

Mother stood up, and firmly replied, “We have, Your Honor. We decided not to butt in . . . .”

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”

The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant… He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”

“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”