Jokes News

A newspaper reporter for the Los Angeles Times had received instructions from his senior editor to get photographs of a brush fire in the foothills of northern California. The instructions included hurrying to the Santa Monica Airport to board a small plane, taking some photos of the fire, and hurrying back by noon to meet a deadline.

The reporter dressed quickly, rushed to the airport, saw the small plane waiting on the runway, drove his car to the end of the runway, parked, and climbed on board. “Okay, let’s go,” he said.

At about 5,000 feet, the reporter took out his camera and said to the man flying the plane, “Bank right, and I’ll take some pictures of this fire.”

Then he heard the most frightening questions of his life: “Bank right? Why don’t YOU bank right? You’re the instructor, aren’t you?”

Q : What do you call a fly without wings ?

A : A walk.

There are 3 stages of sex in every relationship.

1st Stage….Honeymoon sex: Where you have sex in any and every room in the house.

2nd Stage….Bedroom sex: Where you have sex only in the bedroom.

3rd Stage….Hallway sex: Pass each other in the hallway…. “Screw you!”
“Well..screw you, too!!”

If 99.9% is good enough then…
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers

Two planes landed at Chicago’s O’Hare airport will be unsafe every day.

315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly

3056 copies of tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections

A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

a man takes his dog to the vet and asks why he is so ill.The vet replies your dog is very old,i think we’ll have to put him down.The man says,ive had him fifteen years,hes my best buddy,i want some tests done! The vet replies,okay we’ll give him a blood test.

The results come back suggesting the dog has to be put down and the vet tells him this.The man says i’m not happy about it,can we run more tests? So the vet calls his nurse in with a labrador. The nurse lets the labrador off the leash, it walks up to the sick dog, has a sniff, walks around it and looks into its eyes,then looks up at the vet and shakes its head.The nurse puts it back on the leash and walks out, and the vet says,sorry,we’ll have to put your dog down.

The man says,you’ve got to be joking i want more tests done!, so the vet calls the nurse in with a cat.The nurse walks in,lets the cat off its leash,and the cat walks up to the sick dog,has a lick,walks around it,and looks up at the vet shaking its head,and then walks back out with the nurse.The vet says again to the man,sorry we’re going to have to put him down.

The man looks in disbelief,but decides its the best thing and they give him the fatal needle.The man picks up the body and the vet says you can pay the nurse on the way out.

The man walks out to reception, picks up the bill,and reads $675 and asks why so much? The nurse replies,it was $75 for the appointment and euthanasia,$200 for the blood test,$200 for the Lab report and $200 for the cat scan.

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body (it’s a man thing), when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, “There ain’t no justice in this world.”

The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”

“Well,” she said, “when I was 20 I was curious about it…
When I was 30 I enjoyed it,
When I was 40 I asked for it,
When I was 50 I paid for it,
When I was 60 I prayed for it,
When I was 70 I forgot about it,
And now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat.”

There are 4 nuns. The first one goes to the confession box and the father asks if she has ever touched a dick and she says, “Yes, but only with the tip of my finger.” Then the priest says, “Go wash the tip of your finger with holy water and the sin will be gone.”

The second nun comes in and the priest asks her the same question and she says, “Only with my hand” and he tells her to put her hand in the holy water and the sin will be gone.

The third one comes in and the fourth one is eavesdropping and she bursts in the confession box and says “I’m not putting that stuff in my mouth after she puts her ass in it.”

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls.

After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, “Boys are better than girls ‘cos you haven”t got one of these!!”

Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn’t got one of those between her legs.

She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. “My mum says girls are better than boys,” she says.

“No they’re not.” says Johnny pulling down his shorts, “You haven’t got one of these!”

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, “My mum says that as long as I’ve got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!”

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and he dropped in a coin.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband.”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

There was a little boy and a little girl playing in a sandbox. The little boy asks the little girl if she would show him her private. She said no, but the little boy said that if she showed him hers he would show her his.

The little girl agreed lifted up her dress, and the little boy looked and was pleased. Then the little boy pulled down his pants and the little girl looked.

When the little boy went home he asked his dad what his private was called. His dad, not really thinking, told him that it was his car and he could park it in any girl’s garage he wanted.

The girl also asked her mom what her private was called. Her mom, not wanting to tell her little girl the truth, told her that it was her garage and not to let any little boys park their car in it.

The next day the little boy and girl go back to the sandbox, but the little girl came home earlier than she usually did. When she showed up at home she was crying and was all bloody. Her mom, trying to calm her down, asked what had happened.

She replied, “A little boy tried to park his car in my garage but I didn’t want him to.”

Her mom looked at her and asked how she got all bloody.

The little girl said that while he was trying to park his car in her garage, the back wheels popped off!