Jokes News

Sadam called President Clinton and said: “Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of American, and it was beautiful, and on top of every building, there was a flag.”

Clinton said, “Sadam, what was on the flag?”

Sadam said, “Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah.”

Clinton said, “You know, Sadam, I’m really glad you called because last night I had a dream, too. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt. And on every building, there was a flag.”

Sadam said, “Bill, what was on the flags?”

Clinton replied, “I really don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew!”

Sam got a new job in an all-night, all-purpose superstore.

He was there about an hour when a man walked in.

“Hello,” said the man.

“Hello, what can I get you?” said Sam.

“I’d like a packet of nails please.”

Sam got the nails, gave them to the man and said, “That’ll be one ninety-nine please”. The man paid the money and left.

The Store Manager came quickly over, and hissed at sam.

“What were you doing?”

“What?” said our hero.

“When you make a sale, you ALWAYS try to make a supplementary sale.”

Another man walked in.

“Watch this”. The man approached the counter and said, “Hello, I’d like a bag of grass seed”.

The manager made the sale, and said, “Would you like a lawnmower to go with it? They’re on special..” The man thought this was a good idea, and bought it.

“See?” said manager.

“Oh yeah,” said Sam.

Another man enters… “Hello”.

“Hello,” said Sam.

“I’d like a jumbo size packet of tampons, please.”

“There y’go. That’ll be four fifty please. Would you like a lawnmower to go with that? They’re on special!”

The manager slowly put his hand to his head.

“Why in GOD’S NAME would I need a lawnmower with a packet of tampons?” said the man.

“Well”, said Sam, “Your weekend’s fucked, so you may as well mow the lawn…”

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”

“Which is……?”, they replied in unison.

“Have you been a good girl?” He asked the first girl.

“Oh yes,” she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still a virgin after i got married.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl….the golden key.”

“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.

“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl…the silver key.”

“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.

“Oh, not at all”, she said. “I practically fucked any guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. Angel, give this girl……my room key.”

A man walks into a store and heads straight for the counter. He orders a Polish sausage sandwich from the old lady behind the counter.. However she just stands there and says, “You must be a really dumb Pollack.”

“I can’t believe you’ve made that ethnic remark! If a Jew comes in here and orders a kosher sandwich, will you call him a dumb Jew?”

“Of course,” says the cranky old lady.

“If an Italian walks in here and orders an Italian meatball sandwich, are you going to call him a dumb Italian?”

“Right on, buster.” says the old lady.

“Then why would you make such a mean remark?” asks the man.

“Because, ” says the old lady as she leans forward, “this is a FLOWER SHOP, you moron!”

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment.

The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar.

You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted.

The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen.

Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!”

You read that the author who developed your current diet just died of malnutrition.

You wake up to discover that your carpet and wallpaper has been replaced by tufted upholstery and iron bars.

The morning news reveals that your home wasn’t built on a toxic waste site…because they can’t store toxic waste on a native burial ground.

You’re being laid off to make room for the new person you just finished training.

The morning newspaper feels oily and your kippers taste like ink.

Your breakfast cereal makes its own gravy.

You sleep in and dream of being a private eye…the “gorgeous blonde with the problem” turns out to be Lassie.

You brush your teeth with Ben-Gay.

Your clothes smell like baby shampoo and your hair is remarkably free from static cling.

The company’s monthly report shows that production rose at a record rate during the only vacation you’ve had in ten years.

You receive a letter notifying you that your health insurance is cancelled. The paper cut you get opening the envelope requires 20 stitches and three pints of blood.

Your name appears on the company’s vacation schedule for all 52 weeks.

Your winning entry in the American Family Sweepstakes is invalid because you can’t prove your name is “Occupant”.

There’s a pink slip on your desk in the morning…and you’re self-employed.

Your burly cab driver starts telling you how he “dealt with” the last person who stiffed him and you realize you forgot your wallet.

You’ve driven halfway to work before you realize you don’t own a car.

Your skirt feels a little tight as you get on the subway - and suddenly you remember that your name is Roy.

You look out the window and notice the sun rising in the west.

You kiss your wife on the way out the door and realize she really needs a shave.

The humane society repossesses your dog.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two Hell’s Angels.

Your four-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your husband says “good morning Mary”…and your name is Sharon.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight…and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

You compliment the boss on her unusual perfume and she isn’t wearing any.

People think you are 40 and you really are.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren’t there.

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don’t have a waterbed.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine and some months,” she replied.

“How many months?”

“One hundred and ninety-six.”

Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run 95 percent quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

These three guys go camping: Joe, Frank and Bob (insert your friends names instead). They get camp all set up and these bandits come along and start tearing up their campsite and take all their money.

The bandits tie up the three guys and are going to kill them. Joe speaks up and says, “Is there any way you’ll let us live?” One of the bandits says, “Well let’s see here …if all your penises together in a line equal 15 inches, we can let you go.” The guys say, “O.K”

Joe whips out his penis - it is 7″ exactly. Frank whips out his - it’s also 7″. Then Bob takes his out - it’s 1″. The bandits say “Ok, 15″ you guys are free to go.”

As the guys are walking away Joe says, “Man I’m sure glad I was 7″. Frank replies, “That was close.”

To which Bob says, “I’m just glad I had a hard-on.”

What did the gay rooster say every morning?

“Any Cock’ll Do!!”

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. “It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed. “But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?”

“Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…”

His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!” He feel silent, and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions.”