Jokes News

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths and remove all doubt.

In 1928 Colonel John Rotherhampton arrives in Central Africa to take over command of the King’s African Rifles from retiring Lt. Colonel Peter Defries.

The retiring CO is very pleased to meet his successor and over a cup of tea at the regimental mess is most enthusiastic about the regiment’s adjutant, Captain Harry S Smithers. The old CO so extols the virtues and soldierly prowess of Capt. Smithers that the new CO decides that he must simply meet this man. A sentry is sent to invite Smithers to a spot of afternoon tea.

When Smithers arrives the new CO is surprised to see that the man he thought was a man’s man was in fact about four feet tall, completely bald, had absolutely no teeth and his uniform looked five sizes too big for him.

The old CO says, “Go on Smithers tell the Colonel about yourself.”

Smithers — Well sir, I graduated from Oxford with a first in Law, graduated as Dux of officer training at Sandhurst, was British Empire champion shot from 1919 to 1923, won a silver medal in middleweight boxing at the 1924 Olympics and …”

The old Co cut in, “Bugger all that Smithers, just get to the part where you told the local witch doctor to fuck off…”

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

“Not a single grandchild,” he said with a sigh. “Why, I’ll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let’s say grace.”

. . . When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table . . .

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North
America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
——————————————————-

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.
——————————————————-

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid
mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
——————————————————-

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you
didn’t?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise,
you don’t have to keep yours.
——————————————————-

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for
something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
——————————————————-

Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go
Slow. “That’s what I did.
——————————————————-

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s
paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.
——————————————————-

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say
about your son.
Father: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be
cheating.
——————————————————-

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Little Johnny: I is…
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”
Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of
the alphabet.”
——————————————————-

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? (Jared: what do you think?)

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier Picabo Street is donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital in Denver.

In return, they are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It will be called: “Picabo, I.C.U.”

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

2. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out…”

5. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a Nintendo 64 and made a Gameboy.