Jokes News

Q: What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A: They both only last a few seconds and if the rubber breaks you’re dead.

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.

The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male’s reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.

Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men, only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as “Republicans.”

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as “Democrats.”

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as…..”Mr. President.”

Why can’t blondes count to 70?

69’s a mouthful!!

A blonde secretary joins her boss on a business trip.

They arrive the night before and stay in a hotel. She is told to meet him at the meeting at 9:00am the next day.

One and a half hours into the meeting the boss calls his secretary to find out why she has not shown up?

The boss: “You are 1 1/2 hours late! Why are you not here?”

The secretary: “Well I am having a little bit of trouble getting out of the room. There are three doors. One of the doors is to the closet, one of the doors is to the bathroom and the other door says DO NOT DISTURB!!”

LIFE magazine sends out one of its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories from the people living in those mountains. When the reporter reaches the area, he climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch of his log cabin.

“Good morning, sir!” says the reporter. “I’m a reporter from LIFE magazine. I’m here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. Do you have any memorable stories to tell?”

The old man thinks for a while and then says with a smile, “I remember the day when my neighbor’s sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that sheep, we took turns humping it under the lemon tree. We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating.”

The reporter is so dumbfounded by what he has just heard that it takes a while before he can say anything. Then he tells the old man, “That’s, ahh, an, ahh, interesting story, sir, but I can’t use that in the magazine. Do you have any other memorable stories to tell?”

“Let’s see,” the old man tries to remember something and then he grins as he narrates the story. “I remember the day when my neighbor’s daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. When we found that girl, we took turns humping her under the lemon tree. We had a great time eating, drinking and fornicating.”

This exasperates the reporter who says in a frustrated voice, “Listen, sir! My magazine won’t allow even that story to be printed. How about some sad stories? Do you have any sad stories to tell?”

This time, the old man looks sad and says, “Well, I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains …”

Snow White decides to take a shower and the dwarfs want to peek.

They stand on each others shoulders and the guy on top is supposed to convey whats happening.

He yells: “She’s taking off her dress”. On down you hear, she’s taking off her dress, she’s taking off her dress.

He yells: “She’s taking off her panties”. On down it goes, she’s taking off her panties, she’s taking off her panties.

He yells: “She’s taking off her bra”. On down, she’s taking off her bra, she’s taking off her bra.

He yells: “Shoosh, someones coming”.
On down is heard, me too, me too, me too….

Q & A

Q:How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A:Tell him a joke on Thursday.

Q:A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A:Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q:Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A:Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q:Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?
A:They always forget the recipe.

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Dialogues

Blonde 1: Have you read Shakespeare?
Blonde 2: No, who wrote it?

Blonde: Excuse me sir, what time is it?
Man: It’s 3:15
Blonde: (puzzled look on her face) You know it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

Blonde 1: I can’t seem to get the door unlocked.
Blonde 2: Well, you better hurry up and try harder, it’s starting to rain and the top is down.