Jokes News

A man moved into a new neighborhood that was going to teach deductive reasoning at the college. When he got to his house he met his neighbor and they were talking about why he moved there.

The new neighbor told him he was going to teach deductive reasoning at the college, and his neighbor asked him what it was.

The new guy said, “Let me give you an example, I saw in your backyard that you have a doghouse.”

The neighbor said, “That’s correct.”

“Well, that leads me to believe that you have a dog.”

“Correct,” replies the neighbor.

“Well, that leads me to believe that you have children.”

“Correct again,” answers the man.

“Well, that leads me to believe that you have a wife.”

“Correct.”

“Well, that leads me to believe that you are a heterosexual.”

“Of course.”

“That is all there is to deductive reasoning, I looked at your doghouse and found out you are a heterosexual.”

“Cool!”

The next day, the man met his other neighbor at the barber shop and told him about the new teacher at the college and told him what he did.

The neighbor said, “What is deductive reasoning?”
The man said let me give you an example. “Do you have a dog house?”
The neighbor answered, “No.”

The man answered, “Fag”

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, one to hold the lightbulb the other to drink until the room starts spinning.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent.”

Why did the turtle cross the road?

Because chickens weren’t invented yet.

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

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Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.

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Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

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Teacher; Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.

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Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

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Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow. “That’s what I did.
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Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.

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Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What’s that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

My 11 year old daughter and I were getting dressed in the bathroom the other morning. Being an avid gymnast, she hasn’t quite started to develop yet. As I was putting on my bra, she said, “Mom you need a bra to hold up your boobies, but I don’t.”

I laughed and said, “Not yet you don’t.”

She said, “No, but I got eye-bras to hold up my eyes though!”

I laughed hysterically. This is a true story.

Did you know that there are three kinds of sex in marriage?

1) HOUSE SEX – When you first get married, you have sex all over the house.
2) BEDROOM SEX – After you’ve been married a few years, you only have sex in the bedroom.
3) HALLWAY SEX – After you’ve been married for a while, you pass each other in the hallway and say: “F*** You!”