Jokes News

A cowboy was riding the range and as he rounded a bend in the road, his horse balked at a huge rattlesnake in the road. As he drew his colt and was ready to shoot, the snake yelled, “Stop..I am a charmed snake and if you don’t shoot me I’ll grant you three wishes.”

Somewhat shaken, he holstered his revolver and said, “OK, let’s see what you can do”. The cowboy said, “I’ve been working really hard all my life, so I’d like to have enough money so I wouldn’t have to be in the saddle all the time”.

The snake replied, “OK, tomorrow when you get up, it’ll be done. What’s the 2nd?”

The cowboy said, “I’m not the most handsome guy and would like to look like a great movie star so I could get some greatlooking dates.”

The snake replied, “OK, 2nd wish granted when you get up in the morning.”

“Now for the third”, the cowboy went on,”my sexual hardware isn’t all that big, so I wish to be built like my trusty horse.”

The snake replied, “Sure ..same as the rest..tomorrow morning everything will be as you wish”.

The cowboy rode home, cleaned up and went to bed. Next morning he got up and there was a stack of money on his nightstand. His dresser drawers were full of cash. He was so happy, he ran to the mirror and saw a really handsome reflection. “Man, this is just too fantastic!” he exclaimed. He then dropped his shorts to check his new super size hardware..and screamed,
“Omygod!! I forgot I was riding Nellie yesterday!!!”

Your mama is so fat that she’s got other fat women orbiting around her.

“Smoking helps you lose weight–one lung at a time!”

“If opera is entertainment, the falling off a roof is transportation!”

“How come we choose from just two people for president and from 50 for Miss America?”

10. When you find a voodoo doll hanging in the breakroom that looks exactly like you.

9. When you fire an employee and he/she smiles and says “I’ll be back in a minute.”

8. If you find a “get-a-free-hair-cut-while-you-shower” coupon on your dest.

7. When you find framed pictures on the memo board of deranged postal workers.

6. When everyone swears it was a mistake in holding your birthday party at a demolition site.

5. When your employees buys a newspaper daily, turns to the death section, and soon as you walk in you hear “Damn”.

4. When someone has replaced your old coffee creamer with a can that just says “Creamer” in a black and white can that has a large X and a picture of skeleton head over it.

3. When you find explosives on the office supply list.

2. When your Sales Rep. for IBM comes to work dressed in camouflage gear and combat boots.

1. When you fire an employee for excessive tardiness and he/she comes in the next morning 2 hours early.

A woman wanted to visit Barbados, so she rang a travel agency.

“How long will it take to fly to Barbados?” she asked.

“Just a minute,” the travel agent said and went to consult his timetable.

“Thank you,” said the woman & hung up.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

In school, Little Johnny was told by his classmate that every adult had a dark deep secret and it was easy to blackmail them by just saying, “I know the whole truth.” So, when Little Johnny got home after school, he went straight to his mother and told her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother turned pale and gave Little Johnny $20.00 telling him not to tell his father. Pleased with his new caper, Little Johnny waited for his father to come home from work. When his father came home, Little Johnny told him, “I know the whole truth.” His father quickly took $50.00 from his wallet and gave this to Little Johnny telling him not to tell his mother. Little Johnny was doubly pleased.

The next day, as Little Johnny was leaving for school, he saw the mailman stuffing letters into the mailbox. He then approached the mailman and told him, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman dropped his mailbag, became teary-eyed, opened his arms and said, “Come give your DADDY a big hug, my son!”

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Can you tell why? See answer below.
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It spells out EAT ME in someone’s rear view mirror.

Q: What does a Jewish football coach always tell his players?

A: Get the quarter back!

Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”

“I was actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1.”…Amen”