Jokes News

You know those “special offers” that “you would be CRAZY to turn down”? Here’s how you might wish to respond to them:
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To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your recent e-mail to me. It was good hearing from you and reading your advertisement/offer.

As information, I am a reasonably healthy male, over 40 years of age.

If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my breasts,” I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind. (And even if you DO.) They are sufficiently large enough that I have no trouble at all, attracting members of the opposite sex. If they get BIGGER, I imagine I would be able to attract members of my OWN sex.

If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my penis,” please be advised that I don’t desire one large enough to have “Louisville Slugger” emblazoned onto it. Studies have shown that women tend to RUN AWAY from the truly “gigantic” ones; the only gals who would bed porno actor John Holmes (1944-88) had to be paid LOTS of money to do so, and with the exception of my first marriage, I’ve never had to pay for sex. I’ve only had “toupee” for a hairpiece. (Get it?)

If you sent me the ad/offer telling me that I can make/earn $50,000 in the NEXT 90 days, without doing ANYTHING (except sending YOU $85), then please send me a CERTIFIED COPY of your own personal bank balance records to PROVE that YOU have already done so.

No offense to YOU at all, but if you are going to show ME how to “become a millionaire,” you must first prove to me that YOU are one, with proof that can be independently verified.

I once sent a guy $69 (plus “shipping & handling” fees) after he told me that I could “make $50,000 in one week”. What did I get for my $69? A portable printing press, three bottles of green ink and 12 reams of paper. SOME of the resulting bills worked in the dollar bill changer; most didn’t. But on the “plus” side, I got to meet three of the nicest Treasury Agents one could encounter, and the meals in the federal “holding tanks” aren’t really all that bad.

Actually, I already had a friend who is a multi-millionaire. When I asked him the “secret” of his success, he looked at me and said, “If I told you, it would no longer BE a ’secret’. Millionaires enjoy the special treatment they receive, only as long as their numbers are SMALL. As our ‘group’ increases in size, our ‘uniqueness’ disappears and our perks shrink. I will do NOTHING to jeopardize our perks.” (I responded by “ratting him out” to the IRS.)

If you sent me the ad/offer telling me how I can “find out anything about anyone,” I think I’ll pass. I paid lot$ of buck$ for a similar kit several years ago, and I still don’t know if Richard Simmons and Tom Cruise are lovers, nor if O. J. Simpson really murdered those two people. Neither does “The National Enquirer”. Perhaps you could sell your “information kit” to THAT publication, so they could find out the answer to those (and other) questions. After all, “Enquiring minds want to know!” (©2001, The National Enquirer)

If you sent me that “chain letter” about 5 cents being donated “to a little girl of 3, with no arms, legs or head, who currently lives in the wilds of Appalachia,” for everyone “to whom you forward this e-mail,” forget it. That “little girl” is no longer 3 years old. She found a doctor who miraculously reattached her head, arms and legs, and I know this for a FACT, because I had a telephone conversation with her, just yesterday afternoon. (It only cost me $3.99/minute. I paid for it with some of those leftover $$$$ I made on that printing press I still have.)

If you sent me that ad/offer about “HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS, INSTANTLY!,” I already know about it, and I’ll pass. A buddy of mine ordered it, and the “book” (actually, a one-page brochure) read, “Grasp the girl around her waist with your left arm and have her lean backwards. As she does so, place your right arm underneath her thighs and lift upwards. You have just PICKED HER UP and can can now carry her toward your bedroom.”

If you sent me that ad/offer about joining your “hot” porno site, forget it. A friend of mine owns a nudist resort in Florida. About 3 years ago, he and I placed hidden surveillance cameras in all of the rental cottages at the resort, then rigged up low-wattage transmitters on the roofs of those buildings, which send a signal to the guy’s office, where he has 12 VCRs running continuously. As a result, I currently own 687 videotapes of couples having sex, in every combination/position imaginable, and I didn’t have to pay the “performers” one nickel.

If you sent me that ad/offer about “low-cost life insurance,” forget it. I’m gonna do exactly what that guy did in Jersey. He bought a HUGE life insurance policy on himself, with his wife as the beneficiary. He made payments on the policy for only 90 days, before he was murdered. His wife got over ONE MILLION $$$. What his wife didn’t know, was that he had “put out a ‘contract’” on himself. His will specified that $100K of his life insurance go to the hitman, to “repay a personal loan.” So, when my life is over and my time is up, I’ll do the same thing and save all those life insurance premium payments. (You’ll know that I am getting ready to do this, because I’ll first move to Jersey.)

If you sent me that ad/offer about getting “hot stock tips,” forget it. I already received the BEST possible advice on the stock market and investing, from the late-great Will Rogers (1879-1935), who said, “Don’t gamble! Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it ’til it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it!” (The reason your stock salesman is called a “BROKER,” is because after you are done dealing with him, you are BROKER than you were, before you met him!)

Lastly, if you sent me the ad/offer regarding the “SOLAR-POWERED CLOTHES DRYER,” please be advised that I already have one and it, surprisingly, works PERFECTLY, and exactly as advertised. It only cost me $50 (plus $5 for “shipping & handling”). I’m amazed that I can now dry my clothes without using any electricity at all. I just put up the rope that I received and attach my wet clothes to the rope with the wooden clothespins that were included with the rope. Then, WITH SOLAR POWER ALONE, my clothes are somehow DRIED, and I don’t have to do anything else at all. It is the ONLY time in my life that I received something exactly as described, via the Internet.

Agent: Harry, I got some good news and bad news.

Writer: Better tell me the good news first.

Agent: Paramount loved your script. Just ate it up.

Writer: Hey, that’s great. So what’s the bad news?

Agent: Paramount’s my dog.

Q.what is the adavantage of being married to a blonde?

A. you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: Daddy, what’s a pervert?

A: Quiet, and keep sucking!

You Might be A Redneck if your wife ever comes out of the bathroom and says, “Hey y’all come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”

Pee-Wee walked into court alone and walked up to the Defendant’s table. When the Judge came out, he looked around and said “Mr. Herman, are you here by yourself? With all your money, I would think that you have a string of lawyers”. Pee-Wee responded “Lawyer, I don’t need a lawyer - I can get myself off”…

Out for a walk one afternoon, I came upon a fence around this cow pasture. On this fence was a sign that stated, “Beware of the BULL.”

Now I am not one to doubt the warnings on signs, but it did seem to be a shortcut across the pasture to where I wanted to go. I looked very carefully in every direction and no BULL did I see.

Weighing the decision very carefully, it seemed that crossing this cow pasture was a safe and time-saving way to go, since I could see no BULL.

About halfway across the pasture, I spotted the BULL. It was the biggest and meanest-looking BULL that I had ever seen. He had long, sharp horns and was coming straight towards me. My one stroke of luck was that evidently this BULL hadn’t seen me yet.

I looked around quickly and, much to my dismay, there was not a tree big enough to climb anywhere close enough to be of any help to me. The only thing there were some bushes. However, one of the bushes was large enough to hide behind.

I had to make a decision quickly before the BULL saw me. What should I do? GET BEHIND A BUSH . . . OR GET GORED!

Three men were coming out of an interfaith meeting at their local convention center. One of the men was a Jew, one was a Catholic, and one was a Mormon. They began talking about their respective families and the Jewish man said with smug pride, “I have four sons, one more and I can form my own basketball team.”

The Catholic man, not to be outdone, boasted, “Well, my wife and I have been blessed with ten sons. One more boy and we will start our own football team.”

With this the Mormon gave a smug smile and quietly said, “I’ve got you both beat…I have seventeen wives, one more and I have my own golf course.”