Jokes News

Moses’ account of creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage, that many accept as actual historical fact, the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam’s ribs.

Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries. Last week at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists uncovered ancient, original texts that predate Moses’ writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life’s beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible.

“… and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young.

“And God spoke, saying to her, ‘I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?’

“And Woman spoke, saying, ‘Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts.’

“And God said, ‘Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom.’

There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

“‘Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?’ Woman exclaimed.

“And so it was, that God created Man.”

Every familiar phrase has an origin:

Norman Selby boxed under the name “Kid McCoy,” and was world welterweight boxing champion in 1896. The expression “the real McCoy” originated in a barroom brawl when a drunk insisted that the boxer was not who he said he was. McCoy flattened his opponent, who struggled back onto his feet and said, “It’s the real McCoy.”

What do U.F.O.s and smart men have in common?

They’ve been heard of, but no one’s actually seen one.

At a cabin way up in the mountains a very large family was seated around a big dinner table and as is customary there was no passing of food. When they wanted something they just stood up and reached for it. Since the table was so long, some of the reaches were pretty far.

One of the older boys was sitting at the end and wanted a slice of bread, so he stood up and reached all the way across the table for it. The father sitting on the side wrinkled his brow and said, “Ma, how old is Zeke now?” and Ma said, “Nigh on twenty I reckon, Pa.”

Pa thought for a few seconds, then very seriously said, “I think we should put pants on Zeke. Did you see what he just dragged through the soup?”

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his father, “Pa, what’s screwin’?”

“Ma! Get out here! Jr. wants to know what screwin’ is.” So she gets undressed and sprawls out on the bed. The father turns to Johnny and says, “See that there hole between your
mom’s legs? Watch this!”

So they go at it and Little Johnny’s sister walks in.

“Johnny, what are they doin’?”

“Them’s screwin’.” Johnny said. “What’s screwin’ Johnny?” she asked. “Well,” said Johnny,

“See that there hole between Dad’s legs? Watch this!”

Paddy saw Mick at the bar, and went over to him.

Paddy said, “Hey Mick, I saw you and your wife making love last night when I was walking past your place.”

Mick said laughing out loud, “Arh Paddy, the joke is on you, I wasn’t home last night”.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, “You know, I tink I’m ready for a lil vacation.

But, dis year I wants to do sumting different. De last few year, I took your suggestion ’bout where to go. Tree year ago you say I should go to Hawaii, an’ I did an’ Marie got pregnant.

And las year you tol me to go to Tahiti. Sho ‘nough, Marie got pregnant again.”

So Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux, “What you gonna do dis year dat’s different?”

Boudreaux says, “Dis year, I gonna bring Marie wid me…”

A deeply religous and wealthy man visited the Vatican and was standing by the road when the Pope came by in the Popemobile.

The Pope looks over to him, stops the car, gets out and walks directly towards him, filling the man with joyousness.

However, as he reached him, the Pope steps to one side and whispers in the ear of a tramp sitting behind the man.

Seeing this, the wealthy man is a bit miffed but an idea forms in his head. He walks over to the tramp and offers his beautiful suit and some money for the tramp’s smelly clothes. The tramp agrees.

The next day the man, wearing the tramp’s clothes, sits in exactly the same spot as the tramp did. The Popemobile comes down the street and sure enough it stops and the Pope gets out.

The Pope walks directly over to the man and bends over to whisper in his ear and says, “Didn’t I tell you yesterday to get the FUCK out of here?”