Jokes News

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Police arrested Charles Brown, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbelton, in the pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM Friday.

Charles will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the county court house on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing the pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was nobody around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t, he stated in the phone interview from the county jail.

Brown went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.

“I guess I was just really in to it, you know?” he commented with evident emberrassment.

In the process, Brown apparently fail to notice the Wimbleton Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure”, said officer Taylor. “I walked up (to Brown ) and he’s….. just working away at this pumpkin:.

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Brown. “I just went up and said, `Excuse me sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin? ‘

He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damm…….is it midnight already?? “

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, “Uh oh. What happened last night?”

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, “What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag!”

My son, Mark, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I.

“Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

Yo mama so ugly they put her face in the dough to make gorilla cookies.

Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear underwear?

Answer: Because his pecker is on his face!

This drunk staggers into a men’s room in a busy bar.

After a while a loud shrill scream came echoing out of the men’s room. A brief hush came over the bar then it went back to its noisy atmosphere.

A few minutes passed and a second loud scream came from the men’s room. Not only was there a hush but people started to leave the bar murmurming with fear.

Seeing this, the bartender went to the door of the men’s room and pounded on it, shouting, “Hey… What the Hell is going on in there?”

The drunk replied, “Every time I try to flush this damn toilet something or someone reaches up and grabs my friggin’ balls!”

Hearing this the bartender slowly opens the door. He takes a look and says, “You idiot, you’re sitting on the mop bucket!!”

A blonde was going to hang herself, so she took a rope and a small ladder and headed to a tree in the park.

A man passed her as she was setting everything up. He thought nothing of it, so he left.

He came back later that day and saw the blonde sitting in the tree with the rope around her neck.

“What happened to you? Why do you have a rope around your neck?” asked the man. The blonde looked at him and simply said, “I was going to hang myself but the rope hurt my neck and I couldn’t breathe.”

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

“Joe,” says St. Pete, “I can’t see that you’ve done anything really bad in your life but I can’t see that you’ve done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you’ve ever done?”

Joe thinks for a moment and says “Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them “If I ever see you bastards around this town again, I’ll give you a real lesson in pain.”

“Wow” says St. Peter, “I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?”

“Oh”, says Joe, “about two minutes ago.”

A wife is going through her husband’s closet one day when she finds a metal box. Inside the box she finds 3 golf balls and $20,000. She immediately goes downstairs and confronts him with it.

Wife: “What is this box for?”

Husband: “Well, every time we had bad sex I put a golf ball in the box.”

The wife thought this was pretty good seeing as how they had been married for 20 years.

Wife: “What is the $20,000 for?”

Husband: “Every time I got a dozen golf balls I sold them.”