Jokes News

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Question: What do you get if you mix the leading prescription drug for impotence Viraga and Rogaine?……

Answer….Don King.

The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, N.Y., has recalled an “anti-drug” pencil it was giving to local school children.

The pencils have the slogan “Too Cool to Do Drugs” on them, but as the pencils are sharpened down, the message becomes “Cool to Do Drugs” and, later, “Do Drugs”. When shown the unintended message, a spokesperson for the Bureau noted the group was “actually a little embarrassed that we didn’t notice that sooner.”

The pencils will be redone with the message text printed in the other direction. …Then they can start work on the pencils that read, “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk”.

You here about the Cub Scout who was kicked out of his troop?

He was caught in his tent eating Brownies!

I’m not saying my generation was smarter. I’m just saying that in MY day, envelopes didn’t have printed instructions on them as to where to place the stamp.

LOG ON: makin’ da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don’t add no vood
MONITOR : keep a eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic t’ing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
DRIVE: gettin’ home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below
SCREEN: vhat is a must during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during da Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Gunnar Matrix’s wife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find ‘em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna that holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commericial fishin’ boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it

Men are living proof that women can take a joke.

Oh my my, I played the Pennsylvania lottery on Wednesday and knew what the winning numbers were going to be but got confused and punched in the wrong ones. Now the lottery commission is telling me it’s too late. Oh my, what am I going to do! Jessie Jackson where are you when I need you most? Maybe I’ll get a good lawyer. The jackpot was 30 million dollars and it should have been mine. It’s just not fair…