Jokes News

Q: How are Monica’s dress and transvestite sailors different?

A: With the sailors it’s a dress on the seamen.

your mama’s so fat that she farted one day and it came out the next week

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT
A method utilized by a woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

IRRITATING HABIT
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love, which is why bars are popular meeting places.

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?”

I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He would answer and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. “Hello?”

I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our new caller ID program.” He answered, “No!” and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”

The reason I’m taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there’s ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t do that, buddy! I was here first!”

The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, “You’re a jackass!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, “Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car is parked right out front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don’s number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn’t as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” But I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He said, “Stop calling me.”

I said, “No!”

He said, “What’s your name, pal?”

I said, “Don Hansen.”

He said, “Where do you live?”

“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, “Hello.”

I said, “Hello, jackass!”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kick your butt.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, jackass!”

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates. He sees a sign that says, “Men dominated by their wives.” This line is VERY long.

He sees another sign that says, “Men NOT dominated by their wives.” This line has only one man standing in it.

He walks over to this man and says, “Wow, you mean that you are the only one not dominated by his wife?”

The man shrugs and says, “I guess so, my wife told me to stand here.”

Three blondes have died and went up to talk to St. Peter.
St. Peter says,”You can’t enter these pearly gates unless you answer my question correctly. What is Easter?”

The first blonde says, “It’s that holiday in October when you thank people and stuff.”

St. Peter is a little annoyed by this answer and sends her to Hell.

The second one says,” It’s that holiday in February when you have that big tree and stuff.”

St. Peter was really annoyed and sent her to Hell.

The third blonde says,” I know what it is, it’s when Jesus was betrayed by one of his disciples and they decided to kill him, they put a crown of thorns on his head, and a sword thru his side and then they crucified him. They then hung him on a cross. After he was dead they put him in a tomb and sealed it with a boulder.”

St. Peter smiled, he was very impressed. But then the blonde kept going, “And every year they move the boulder and let Jesus come out and if he sees his shadow there is winter for another 6 weeks.”

One Sunday afternoon, Fred looked over the backyard fence and saw Barney’s wife Betty sunbathing topless. The next morning, before leaving for work, Fred called out to Barney, “I saw Betty sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.” Barney was so put out over this peeping incident that he vowed to have his revenge.

That night, Barney noticed that Fred’s bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he saw Fred’s wife Wilma in the act of performing oral sex.

So the next day, he called out to Fred, “Hey Fred, I saw Wilma giving you a blowjob last night!”

Fred laughed out loud and replied, “Ha-ha-ha-ha! Liar! I was not home last night.”

Two gays were sitting on the edge of the bed, one turns to the other…”YOU the man!”

Second gay responds, “NO, You the MAN.”

First gay says, “No, No, you don’t understand, You are THE man!”

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,”Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can`t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can`t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I`m glad I don`t have that problem- knock on wood.” As she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, “That must be the door, I`ll get it.”

It’s a beautiful spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

“Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him.” he says…. this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he’s doing flips. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. “Now, tell him you have a headache !!!!!!”