Jokes News

As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the upcoming months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the following symptoms associated with this disease:

1) Sore throat
2) Slight headache
3) Moderate to high temperature
4) Nausea or upset stomach
5) An uncontrollable urge to screw in the mud.

Two old widow women were sitting on the porch of an old folks home talking about the “good old days”.

The first old lady speaks to her friend, “Mable, you and John were married for a very long time, tell me,” she said, “did you have Mutual Orgasm ?”

Mable thought for a moment and then answered, “No, I think we always had State Farm”.

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says, “I’m disappointed. It was all over in four minutes.”

The wife replies, “Good! Now you know how I feel!”

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

I once asked my wife, “What would you do, if you came home one day, and caught me in bed with another woman?”

She thought a moment and replied, “Why, I’d be so angry, I probably break her white cane and shoot her guide dog!”

Q. What do you call a women with PMS and ESP?

A. A know it all bitch.

Q: What do you call an old man that got hit by a mac truck?

A: A pap smear

Q. How do you make a hormone?

A. Don’t pay her!

A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.

Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie.

The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, “Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry.”

What do you get when you mix an ostrich with a stingy cat?

A bird with long legs and a tight pussy.