Jokes News

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer.

(In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.)
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: “They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!”

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.”

Two thieves decided to break into a rich man’s house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone, they decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home, the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.

“Who’s there?” asked the rich man.

“Meow, meow,” said the first thief, imitating a cat. Convinced that it was only a cat, the rich man went back to watching television.

After awhile, the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.

“Who’s there?” asked the rich man once again.

Convinced that he could trick the rich man, the second thief replied, quite confidently:

“It’s just another cat, Sir!”

One day a woman came home to find her husband in bed with another woman. She was furious. The husband saw her and asked to explain:

“As I was coming home from work I saw this woman on the side of the road freezing. I brought her home and fed her the food that I made. You didn’t want it because it wasn’t perfect. Then I gave her one of your shirts and a pair of pants you never wear because it’s out of style. I then gave her a pair of shoes that I gave you for your birthday because they’re not your color. She then asked if you had anything else that you never used….”

Clinton and Gore were jogging around the white house grounds, when Bill says to Al,”When we get done, I’m going right up to the oval office and pull Hillary’s panties right down.”

Al says back to him,”All this jogging making you horny?”

Clinton replies,”No her panties are riding right up my ass.”

New Name

Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, and Alimpdixafixit.

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him–he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg with him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. Your eyes are now filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled!

Sing this to the tune of John Lennon’s song “Imagine” :

Imagine there’s no Windows,
It’s easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine neverending hard disks,
It isn’t hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
I hope someday you’ll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
Maybe someday I’ll be a cracker
And then I’ll make Windows run.

A man and a woman were out drinking one night when they got into a conversation about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women because we’re always trying to get it.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this, when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your finger…or your ear?”