Jokes News

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

Joe: They all died, Jim.

Jim: How did that happen?

Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms.

Jim: How terrible! And your second?

Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too.

Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too?

Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Jim: I see. An accident?

Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms!

Mom and dad where in the bedroom having sex when their daughter walked in and asked her dad what he was doing to mommy he said making you a brother so the girl said okay and went to bed.

Next day dad comes home from work and see’s his daughter crying he asked her what was wrong and she said the mailman ate my brother.

One day a man went in to talk to his preacher and while he was talking, he was eating away at the peanuts sitting on the preacher’s desk.

He did not notice how many peanuts he had eaten, and when he finally looked down, the bowl was empty. The man said to the preacher, “I am so sorry, I didn’t notice that I ate all of your peanuts.”

The preacher replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it, son. I just suck the chocolate off of them anyways.”

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.

The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got.

It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. “Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top.

“Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man…

Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, ‘How longa you gonna be?’ “

“I’ve got a big problem, Doctor.”

“Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”

“My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely normal. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

WHY DO ITALIAN MEN WEAR MUSTACHES’? TO REMIND THEM OF THEIR MOTHER!

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

President Bill Clinton was addressing a group of school children and explaining the importance of choosing precisely the right words to express your thoughts.

He asked the class if someone could give an example of the word Tragedy.

A little boy raised his hand and said “If two children were having a catch and the ball rolled into the street and one of the children ran after it and got killed by a car, that would be a tragedy”.

The President thought for a moment and replied “Son, that might be more like an accident than a tragedy. Anyone else have an idea? Yes, you down in the front row.”

A little girl stood up and said “If a school bus full of children on the way to a museum got hit by a train and all the children got killed, would that be a tragedy?”

“It would be very sad and a great loss, but perhaps not a tragedy”, the President replied. “Anyone else?”

A little boy in the back stood up.
“Sir, if you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and the plane was hit by a missile from Iraq and the plane blew up and you and Mrs. Clinton were killed, that would be a tragedy.”

“Very good, son”, said the President. “How did you decide to use that excellent example?”

“Well, Sir,” said the boy, “I knew it wasn’t an accident, and it wouldn’t be a great loss, so I guess it must be a tragedy.”

Q: Why do blondes have one more brain cell than a dog?

A: So they will not shit in the street.

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 year old girl’s house.

One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, “See this football? Football is a boys’ game, and only boys can have a football.”

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, “I want a football.” Being a woman of the 90’s, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football and says, “Nah Na Nah Nah”. The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, “Oh yeah, well this is a boy’s bike and only boys get boy’s bikes and you can’t have one.” She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy’s bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts and says “Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!”

The next day he walks by and asks her, “Well I guess I showed you,” to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts.

The little girl proclaims, “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”