Jokes News

“Doc,” said the young many, lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when, all of a sudden, five beautiful women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”

The psychiatrist nods, “And what do you do?”

“I push them away.”

“I see. Well, what do you want ME to do?”

The patient implored, “Break my arms.”

Why is it that most men prefer women with big tits and tight pussies?

Because generally, most men are endowed with big mouths and small dicks!!!

After Saddam invaded Kuwait he decided that he wanted more money. So he ordered 3 men with no jobs.

He told the first one: “Here you are,” as he handed him a key. “This is the key for a supermarket. I want you to get me $10,000 in a week from it’s profit.” So away he went with the key.

He told the second: “Here you are,” as he handed him another key. “This is the key for a boutique. I want you to get me $10,000 in a week from it’s profit. So away he went with the key.

He told the third : “Here you are,” and he handed him his picture. “I want you to get me $10,000 in a week from it’s profit.” So he went with the picture.
After a week, the three workers came back. When Saddam asked the first one why didn’t he get any money, the worker replied: “The supermarket was in a place that nobody can find and it was a new one and there weren’t any commercials about it, so I didn’t even get a single customer”.

He asked the second the same question and he answered: “All the clothes we have are old-fashioned and everybody now is running after the latest models.”

The third arrived in a limousine and he was smoking a cigar and had bags of cash, Saddam was struck, “How did you get all of this money?”

He answered, “I went to Kuwait and held your picture up, and shouted a spit for $10!”

Q. What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their honeymoon?

A. Now I know why you named your company Microsoft.

A homeless drunk scrapes up all his change one day and heads for his favorite liquor store. He places $5.00 in change on the counter and says, “Max give me four bottles of the cheapest ripple ya got!” Eager with his score, he immediately downs all four bottles and passes out in an alley.

Along about 1:30am a disgruntled fag happens by after striking out at the local gay bar. Spying the passed out drunk, he decides to relive himself. After sodimizing the hapless passed out drunk, his conscience kicked in and he decides to slip a 10 dollar bill in his hand.

The next day the wino wakes up with a ten dollars in his hand and heads directly for his favorite liquor store. “Max,” he says… give me eight bottles of your cheapest ripple ya got.” Once again the drunk slams them all down and manages to pass out in that same alley.

Along about 2:15am the very same fag is strolling down the block. This time however, he has 14 of his faggot friends with him. The fag seeing the passed out drunk explains to his rumpy pumpy buddies, what had transpired the night before. In succession they all took their turns on the solidly inebriated drunk. When they had all finished the first fag explained how he had given him a ten dollar bill. They all agreed.

The next day the drunk awoke with 150 dollars in his hand. Rushing quickly to his favorite liquor store, “Max!” he says… give me two bottles of the best wine ya got in the house!”

“Whaaat….” replies Max. “Wouldn’t you rather have ten cases of ripple?”

“Hell No!” replies the drunk…” that cheap shit is tearing my ass up!”

On April Fool’s Day, my brother walked away from his desk. When he returned to it, he noticed a note taped to his screen. It had the name of Mr. Lions and the number where he could reach him.

When he called for Mr. Lions, he got this really grumpy lady at the other end. After identifying himself, he said he was returning Mr. Lion’s call.

The lady replied, “Son, I’m sorry, but this is the Pittsburgh ZOO!”

A blonde walked into a barber shop to get her hair cut. When the hair cutter saw that the blonde was wearing earphones, he asked her to take them off. The blonde said she couldn’t because she would die.

Just to be nice, the hair cutter cut the blonde’s hair as best as he could. Again, he asked, “Please take your ear phones off just for a few minutes.” The blonde did and a few minutes later, the blonde was dead. The hair cutter picked up the earphones and listened… the earphones said, “Breathe in, breathe out…” over and over.

A husband and wife are talking one day when the wife says, “When I die I want you to remarry.”
The husband says, “Oh no I couldn’t do that.”
The wife responds, “I just want you to be happy, you have to remarry.”
The husband says, “OK if you insist.”

The wife then says, “After your remarried I want your new wife to have my car.”
“No I couldn’t do that,” the husband replies.
“I insist,” the wife says. The husband says, “OK”.

The wife then says, “I want your new wife to have my golf clubs.”
The husband says, “I can’t possibly do that.”
The wife says, “Why not?” And the husband replies, “Because she’s left handed.”

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women’s breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

“I am going to do a word association test, explained the doctor. I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that comes into your mind.”

“Oranges,” said the doctor.

“Breasts,” replied the patient.

“Apples.”

“Breasts.”

“Watermelons.”

“Breasts.”

“Windshield wipers.”

“Breasts,” said the patient, with the same reply.

“Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile wipers? Where’s the connection there?” asked the doctor.

“Easy … one on the left and one on the right!”

What is the difference between geneologists and gynocologists?

Geneologists look up your family tree, and gynocologists look up your family bush.