Jokes News

I was in an ice cream parlor with my friend the other day, Sunday I believe. We watched as a very old limozine pulled up front and parked. A lovely older lady and a small young female ,about 6 years old got out and walked into the parlor.

The well dressed older lady asked the young girl what kind of ice cream did she want for her birthday party? The young girl replied ‘Chocolate”.

The young man behind the counter asked the nice oldlady if he could help her. She replied that she wanted 2 gallons of hocolate icream for her grand daughters 6th birthday party.

The young man replied that they were out of chocolate but that he had 30 other flavors to choose from. The young girl began to cry and told the older lady that she promised her chocolate ice cream for her party.

The older lady asked for 1 gallon of chocolate for her grand daughters party. Again the young man said that they were out of chocolate but he had 30 other flavors to choose from. The girl cried harder. The older lady told the young man that she would give him $100.00 for a chocolate ice cream cone.

The young man looked at the lady for a moment and then asked her if she could spell the “straw” in strawberry ice cream? The older lady looked puzzeled but said “yes STRAW”. The young man then asked if she could spell the “van” in vanilla ice cream? Again the older lady looked puzzeled but said “yes VAN”

The young man then asked the older lady if she could spell the “fuck” in chocolate? The older lady looked very puzzled and after a few moments said There is no” fuck” in chocolate.

The young man smiled and said That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you lady “THERE IS NO FUCKIN CHOCOLATE”

Q: What’s the differance between brown nosers and ass kissers?

A: Depth perception.

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, the man at the pet store said “I got to tell you this parrot was raised in a house of ill repute, so you might hear some bad words.”
She said, “That’s OK, I’ll take him.” So she goes home and puts him in a cage.

When the parrot arrives, he looks around and says, “New home, New madam.”

Later when her two teenage daughters came home, the parrot said, “New home, New madam, New prositiutes.”

Finally, when her husband came home, the parrot said, “New home, New madam, New prositiutes, same old faces, HI GEORGE!”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started up her class by saying “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!”

A MAN IS LOST IN THE DESERT HE IS CLAIMING FOR WATER. THEN OUT OF THE GROUND THE DEVIL POPS UP. HE ASKS THE MAN TO GIVE UP HIS SOUL. THE MAN REPLYS NO. THE DEVIL SAYS, IF YOU CAN MAKE AN ASS OUT OF ME I WILL LET YOU LIVE. IF YOU DONT I WILL KILL YOU. SO THE MAN SAY OK TO THE DEVIL.M THE DESPRETE MAN LOOK ALL AROUND HIM AND FINDS AN EMPTY CAN. HE POKES TONS OF HOLE ON THE CAN, THEN HE PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN AND FARTS. THE MAN ASKS THE DEVIL, OK IF YOU ARE SO SMART WHAT HOLE DID IT COME OUT OF?
THE DEVIL POINTS TO A HOLE ON THE CAN. THE MAN LAUGHS AND SAYS NO, IT CAME OUT OF MY ASSHOLE.

One night a married woman awoke to a moaning sound and found her husband wasn’t in bed with her.

Getting worried the woman went downsairs but to no avail could she find her husband. She was ready to go back to bed when she heard the moaning sob again, only it was coming from the basement.

After going down into the basement she found her husband balled up in a corner crying his eyes out. When she asked him what was wrong he said, “A little while after I met you your father pointed a gun at me and gave me a choice, marry you or go to jail for 20 years.” The wife at this point was looking quite confused and asked him again why he was crying, his reply…

“I would have gotten out today!”

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we’re ready to go on the trucks.”

“From now on,” he said, “we’re going to run this house the same way:
When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1!” and his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2!” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3!” and they began to make love.

After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”

“What’s this Bell 4?” the husband asks.

“More hose!” she replied. “You’re nowhere near the fire!”

Three nuns came up to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter said, “Before you can enter I have to ask you each a question.”

So the first nun steps up. St. Peter asks, “Who was the first man on earth?” “That’s easy,” replied the nun, “Adam.” Thunder rolled, lightning flashed, the gates opened and the nun ran through.

The second nun steps up. St. Peter asks, “Who was the first woman?” “Eve,” said the second nun. Thunder rolled, lightning flashed, and the nun ran through.

The THIRD nun steps up. St. Peter asks, “What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?” “Hmm,” says the third nun, “That’s a hard one!” Thunder rolled, lightning flashed, and the nun ran through.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’s first step! Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough room to raise her leg. She tried the step again, but the skirt was still too tight.

More embarrassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and tried the step again. It was no use. So, with another smile to the driver she tried unzipping her skirt a little more.

The big Texan man standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screaming at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know you!”

At this the Texan drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but, after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.”

A Boston man sits on his living room couch watching the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. In comes his wife, huffing and puffing, and stands in front of the television screen. At that exact moment, Red Sox shortstop, Nomar Garciaparra, hits a two-run homer.

“Stan!” she yelled. “I think you love the Red Sox more than you love me.”

“You know what?” the said, full of rage. “Right now I love the YANKEES more than you!”