Jokes News

A lovely young blonde storms up to the Customer Service Desk at Wal-Mart and slams down her package to show her dissatisfaction.

The young man behind the counter examines the product and asks “What’s the problem, Miss, didn’t your cat like these “Pussy Treats?”

The pretty blonde opens her eyes wide in disbelief and says, “You mean these are for CATS?”

After the first presidential debate many soccer moms were flooding the salons clamoring for the “Algore look” — lots of blush and a liberal amount of hair spray.

*Why do Bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words.

*Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

*What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A Woolly Jumper.

*Why do birds fly south in autumn?
Because it is too far to walk.

*What is yellow and very dangerous?
Sharkinfested custard.

*What has an eye and doesn’t cry?
A needle.

* When does Thursday come before Wednesday?
In a dictionary.

*What has wings and doesn’t fly?
A hotel.

*Which is faster hot or cold?
Hot is faster you can easily catch cold.

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for new arrivals. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.”

“Sounds easy enough. OK.” So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked, “What was it you did for a living?”

The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.”

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. “Did you have any family?” he asked.

“Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.”

Jesus leaned forward some more. “You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?”

“Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.”

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?”

The old man leaned forward, too, and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you!
… Don’t talk back to me”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you’re not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
… Then you’ll see what its like.

What’s the difference between P.M.S. and B.S.E?

One’s mad cows disease, and the other one is an agricultural problem.

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”

“Don’t get too excited friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

There were two guys named Shut-up and Trouble.

One day Shut-up said to Trouble,”Hey, Trouble let’s play hide and seek!”

“Okay,” says Trouble.

Shut-up goes and hides in a dumpster and a police officer comes to him and says, “What’s your name boy?”

So Shut-up says, “Shut-up.”

“What is your name, boy?”

“Shut-up!”

“Are you looking for Trouble, boy?”

“No, Trouble is looking for me!”

The End!

Having been in battle in the South Pacific for nearly four months, the Marines finally drove the Japanese from Guam. A few days later, the USO troop arrived with a famous comedian, an emcee, a dance company and a beautiful sexy leading lady, noted for her sensual dancing.

The Marines were seated in the makeshift theater when the emcee introduced the leading lady to start the show.
She was greeted with cheers, whistles, and applause. When she stepped out of her dressing gown to reveal only a two-piece bathing suit, the troops erupted into another round of applause.

When she began dancing, she slipped off her top and the troops went wild with whistles and thunderous applause.
The emcee came out onstage and asked the boys to hold the noise down until the number was over so the lady could hear the music while she danced.

Then when she stepped out of the bottom of her two-piece as she continued to dance, the troops roared with cheers and applause. Again the emcee asked the troops to keep the volume down. When the number ended, the emcee expected the applause to be deafening, so when the young lady came off the stage to total silence, he asked her why there was no clapping from the crowd.

“Honey,” she smiled, “How do you expect those boys to clap with one hand!!!”

There is a blond burnet and a redhead they were chosen to play a surviver game. they have to find help! so they were aloud to bring one thing the burnet brought some food the redhead brought some water
and the blond brought a car door
so they all sticked together and searched for help and they found help so the guy asked the burnet why did u bring some water? she said in case i got thirsty he asked the redhead why did u bring food?
she said in case i got hungry. so he asked the blond why did u bring a car door she said in case igot hot i can roll down my window!!!!