Jokes News

A man had just gotten out of jail after three years.

Desperate for sex, he hooks up with one of his former girlfriends.

Back at her house, they start getting it on, but her dog runs in the room and starts biting his leg, so he leaves. The next day he stops by.

“Where’s your dog?” he asked.

“Sleeping,” she replied. So they start getting it on, but the dog wakes up, runs into the room and starts biting the man, so he runs out.

The next day he’s walking down the street and a drop-dead georgeous woman approaches him and says “My car’s stalled.
If you can fix it, I’ll do ANYTHING for you.”

So a half hour later, he tells her, “Your car’s fixed.”

So she says, “Well what do you want?”

“Anything?” he asks.

“ANYTHING.”

“Could you hold this dog?”

It’s Harold’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walkway when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walkway and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, “Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?”

Harold says, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up
all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward… NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”

On January 1, 2000, do not open any email, do not go anywhere, do not eat anything , do not wake up, because the world will be infected with a non-life-threatening virus known as the “Holy Shit, the World is Still Here!” virus.

It will infect every human being alive who believes their car, refrigerator, microwave, condom dispenser and sphincter muscle are going to shut down due to the terrible Y2K virus. (Although this WILL happen to redneck towns more than thirty miles from a major city, where preparing for Y2K consisted of buying more guns.)

Some visible signs of this virus will be food that is still fresh and setting in your fridge, a car that actually works, and a bank account with all the money it had in it the night before.

If any of you experience any of these symptoms, please call the following number: 1-888-SCREW Y2K

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION, AND PASS THIS ALONG TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

what are the simularities between toy trains and a womans breast?

They were both attended for the kids, but it’s always the father who plays with them

Did you know that this phrase :

“President Clinton of the USA”

can be rearranged without dropping a letter or repeating a letter into this :

“To copulate he finds interns”

Coincidence? You decide!

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, “I just know I’ve seen this face before!”

“Give it to me”, says the other blonde. She looks in the
mirror and says, “Of course, you silly! It’s me!!”