Jokes News

This man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender lined the shots in a row on the bar and then asked, “What’s the special occasion?”

The man replied, “I just got my first BJ.” The bartender then replied… “Congratulations! I will buy you one more shot just to make it an even 7.”

The man once again replied, “Thanks for the offer, but if the 6th shot doesn’t take the bad taste out of my mouth, I don’t think the 7th one will either!!”

After receiving a message to call Evan at my bank, I did so. The operator asked me what Evan’s last name was, and I explained that he hadn’t left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn’t know that either.

In a rather exasperated tone, she said rather curtly, “Sir, there are 1500 employees in this building!”

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for HER name.

“Danielle,” she said.

“And your last name?” I asked.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we are not supposed to give out our last names.”

In the days of horses and carts a couple get hitched. On the ride home after the reception, the fellows horse keeps playing up, every 100 yards or so the horse would come to a dead stop for no apparent reason. The groom jumps from the cart, walks to the horses face, holding one finger up…”That’s ONE!” he yells, and quickly remounts up onto the buggy.

The bride shrugs this off, but another hundred yards down the track the horse comes to a dead stop once again, the ritual is repeated bar the groom holding two fingers to the horses eyes..”That’s TWO!” he shouts, then mounts the buggy.

The bride looks at her new husband warily as the horse comes yet to a third stand still. The groom jumps down from the cab, pulls out his shotgun, walks in front of the horse and shouts, “That’s THREE!” and shoots the horse dead.

The husband takes the yoke off the dead horse and calls his wife to him and proceeds to place the yoke on her shoulders. She can’t believe what is happening and starts crying. Her husband walks up to her face and raises one finger…”That’s ONE!”

Q: What is the difference between a gay guy and a refriderator?

A: A refridgerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it!

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidently tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below…

Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.

He was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!”

“I’ll take you there myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans.”

“I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill

” And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, “But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me”

The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!!”

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”

He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”

So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.”

“No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. “Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big!”

There were these three guys, a White man, a African-American man, and a Portuguese guy. (Here in Hawaii we make fun of Portagees!) They all died in a terrible car crash and went to Heaven.

They thought it was great! But there was only one big rule, you could not step on any of the ducks or you’d have to spend the rest of the day with an ugly woman.

One day, the African-American and the Portagee were walking around and they saw the White man walking around with a terrible looking woman. They said, “Hey, what happened?” He says, “I stepped on one of those damn ducks!”

The next day the White man and the Portagee were walking around and they saw the African-American walking with a hideous woman. They said, “What the heck happened?” He said, “I stepped on one of those damn ducks!”

The next day the White man and the African-American man were walking around and they saw the Portagees guy walking around with a drop dead beautiful supermodel woman! They said, “Hey, what happened?” The supermodel said, “I stepped on one of those freakin’ ducks”!

What do soybeans and vibrators have in common?

They are both used as substitutes for real meat!

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown.

Ever noticed that all our problems start with MEN?

Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a sixpack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in
common?
A: They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his ONE need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “instruction manuals”

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

A man goes to a pet store looking for a hunting dog. The owner tells him about a very special dog that he has out back. So they go out back and see a nice looking bird-dog. The man is impressed with the dog, but says, “What’s so special about this dog?”

The owner answers, “This dog will not only flush out the birds, it will count how many and tell you first.”

The man can’t believe it, so he asks for a demonstration. The dog goes over to a small bush, looks inside, then nods twice. Sure enough, two birds fly out. Then he goes to another bush, nods three times, and flushes out three birds.

The man is very impressed. He points to a big bush and tells the owner to have the dog check that one. So the dog goes over, shakes his head, and runs back and starts humping the man’s leg. The man yells, “Help, your dog has gone crazy!!”

The owner replies, “No, he is just telling you that there are too many fucking birds to count.”