Jokes News

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, “Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?”

One of the robbers said, “What’s on your mind, pal?”

“Would you mind taking the books too?” the teller asked. “I’m five thousand dollars short.”

The judge read the charges and then asked, “Are you the defendant in this case?”

“No, Sir, Your Honor, Sir,” replied my brother-in-law. “I’ve got a lawyer to do the defendin’. I’m the guy who done it.”

The other night my wife met me at the front door wearing pink bikini panties and no bra !!

So I let her in…..

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…. and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
-Dolly Parton-

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”
-Erica Jong-

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
-Rita Rudner-

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
-Rita Rudner-

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
-Wendy Liebman-

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
-Erma Bombeck-

“If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.”
-Sue Grafton-

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
-Roseanne Barr-

“I think, therefore I’m single.”
-Lizz Winstead-

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
-Elayne Boosler-

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson-

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
-Gilda Radner-

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
-Margaret Thatcher-

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
-Gloria Steinem-

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
-Gloria Steinem-

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.”
-Marie Corelli-

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.”
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it, to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?”
-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man. I keep his house.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your Permission.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5 million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.

It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, and returned, not knowing where he had been, doing it all on borrowed money.

5,000 years ago Moses said, “Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

5,000 years later, FDR said, “Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel; this is the promised land.”

This year, Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the promised land.

If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Gabriel was working the gates to Heaven, and a man with a questionable background arrived to enter Heaven. Gabriel told him the way into Heaven was to answer 3 questions, and the man said, “Ok.”

The first question was: What was the first man’s name?

“That’s an easy one… the first man’s name was Adam.

The second question was: What was the first woman’s name?

“Oh, her name was Eve!!!!”

Gabriel says, “You have one more question, are you ready?”

“Yes, let’s get it on.”

The third question was: What are the first words Eve said to Adam?

The man thought for a minute, and said, “Um, that’s a hard one.”

And Gabriel said, “That’s right, Come on in!!!!!!!”

Q: What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

A: Putting it back in the wheelchair.

Q:What do a blonde and a plane have in common?

A:They both have a cockpit.

At one time Dorothy Parker had a small, dingy cubbyhole of an office in the Metropolitan Opera House building in New York. As no one ever came to see her, she became depressed and lonely. When the signwriter came to paint her name on the office door, she persuaded him to write instead the word “GENTLEMEN.”