Jokes News

“Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. To make matters worse, I was alone and weaponless . . .”

“Goodness! What did you do?”

“What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyeballs, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet, he kept creeping up on me; I had to think fast . . . .”

“How did you get away?”

“Well, I just left him and passed on to the other cages.”

Manpower was recently selecting a new research officer for General Motors.

Part of selction process involved asking the three shortlisted women what they would do if they were overpaid $5,000.

The first women said that she would spend all the money on new clothes and shoes and hope that she wouldn’t have to pay it back.

The second women said that she would invest the money on the Dow, double her money overnight and pay the $5,000 back.

The third women said that she would go straight to the boss and give the $5,000 back right away.

Who got the job??

The one with the biggest tits, of course!

You might be a redneck if…
“Your 5 year old son has a better sex life than you”
“Somebody yells hodown and your girlfriend hits the floor”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “My hands are freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again riding in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid…”

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother. “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

The slightly concerned mother said, “Sure, why do you ask?

The daughter replied, “Well, they make one heck of a mess when they defrost.”

What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?

She turned around and took it like a man.

Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies, all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at HER house and was sorry she had neglected to telephone.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

A woman with fourteen children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

“When did he desert you?” the judge asked.

“Thirteen years ago,” she answered.

“If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?”

“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”