Jokes News

I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that…

Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied.

Section 1.01. I’ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream “Who’s your daddy” and grunt like a sea lion.

Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a man’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when your cut yourself shaving, wreck the new car or start a fire in the kitchen, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to the male species – it WILL be my fault…even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. I will NEVER invite my friends over for a ‘guy’s night out’, I will tell them that you are the only one for me and you are all I need for fun, football and beer are not exceptions.

Section 3.01. I shall never mention our sex life in the workplace, to your friends or mine unless it in some way fully compliments you.

Section 3.02. I will shower frequently, scrubbing every inch with the strongest soap known to mankind.

Section 4. After making love (which I will never refer to as sex, hanky panky, wild thing, or any other vulgar screwed up terminology) I promise to cuddle with you, despite how dead my arm will become, and I swear not to practice the hug and roll technique as demonstrated by Ross on friends.

Section 4.01. I promise to call my member all the cute nicknames you make up for it.

Section 5. In bed, I will be slow and gentle. I will never press you to try stupid positions, fall asleep, or roll on top of you, pump away for a whole five minutes and wheeze like an old man with emphysema.

Section 5.01. I will never make a suggestion having anything to do with any type of lesbianism or bisexualism. In fact, the word “Lesbian” will never leave my mouth, or be in my pea –sized, one-track brain.

Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym at least 2 hrs a day in order to keep my gut from hanging over my pants.

Section 5.03. I promise never to compare you to other women, whether in my mind or out loud, even when your breasts are to your knees.

Section 5.04. I promise not to whine when your legs have gnarly forest hairs sprouting from them, or use the term “Buckwheat in a Headlock.” I will also shave my beard in order to prevent any discomfort to you.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends, relatives or colleagues. Or anyone you have met or will one day meet. IF, and I say this loosely IF, a woman attempts to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other women.”

Section 6.01. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and electrical appliances are beyond the comprehension of men and will only take them to a ‘trained’ specialist for repair. The only exceptions are sports equipment, tools, garbage disposal and other objects that are mine and I am permitted to ruin.

Being of sound mind and body (with the exception of my beer gut), I, enter this relationship contract.

Signed _____________________________________ applicant (that’s you stupid)

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and undulated and panted. Then, suddenly, the woman cocked her ear.

“Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a wink and a smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you?” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But… but you’ve got no clothes on!” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise, and said, “Those little bastards!”

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risk. As he wondered how the heck he was ever going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

“Guaranteed like hell,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day, 10-lb. weight loss program.

The next day there was a knock at the door and when he answered, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign said, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he catches her and has his way with her. After they’re through she leaves and he thinks, “I like the way this company does business.” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and finds he’s lost 10 lbs. as promised.

So he calls the company and signs up for the 5-day, 20-lb. program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman he had ever seen, wearing nothing but Reeboks and a sign: “If you can catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door in a shot. She’s in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days the same thing happens and much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day, 50-pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative. “This is the most rigorous program yet.”

“Absolutely.” he answers. “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he answers it, he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you.”

Did you hear about the old maid that couldn’t stand flies…
Until she opened one

A widow, recently married to a widower, was talking with an old friend who laughingly remarked: “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your new husband sometimes talks about his first wife.”

“Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the other replied.

“What stopped him?”

“I started talking about my next husband.”

One More Whore And We Get Gore.

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

America needs a President Not a Predator

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Slept with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn’t matter, let him date your daughter.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog : “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)….
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothing but liars!!!”

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road going 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over. When she had finally stopped, the officer said, “License and Registration, please.”

“It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to drive this way,” she said, smiling.

“That’s impossible!” the officer replied. “I’ve never heard of such a license.”

The blonde reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the office said, “Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license. I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.

She pointed to the bottom of the license, “See? It says so right here: ‘Tear Along the Dotted Line’.”

The terrible-tempered Mr. Smith, having missed an easy putt, shouted, “Oh, fuck.”

A young lady in the party said, “You needn’t use vile language.”

Smith stared at her angrily and said, “Oh, come on. I”m sure you’ve heard the word many times before.”

“I have,” said the young lady, “but never in anger.”

From Black Fella to White Fella.

Dear White Fella,
somethings you ortta know.
Firstly,
When I’m born I’m black,
When I grow up I’m black,
When I’m sick I’m black,
When I go in the sun I’m black,
When I’m scared I’m black,
When I’m cold I’m black,
When I die I’m still black.

But you white fella,

When you’re born you’re pink,
When you grow up you’re white,
When you’re sick you’re green,
When you go in the sun you’re red,
When you’re scared you’re yellow,
When you’re cold you’re blue,
When you die you’re purple.

And you’ve got the nerve to call me COLOURED?!