Jokes News

There was a guy waiting for the elevator and the door opens there is a really hot girl in it a she jumps all over him she say’s “make me feel like a woman” he say’s “get off for a second” he takes off all his clothes and says ” fold ‘em bitch!!

In the garden of Eden stood Adam
Stroking the quiff of his madam
And he quivered with mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls and he had em

What did the father skeeton say to the son skeleton?

ANSWER!!!

I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, “Today, I am going to say a single word, and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out, “Cross.” Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison, “The Old Rugged Cross.”

The pastor hollered out, “Grace.” The congregation began to sing, “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said, “Power.” The congregation sang, “There is Power in the Blood.”

Then the pastor said, “Sex.” The congregation became totally silent. Everyone was in shock and speechless. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then, all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, “Precious Memories, how they linger, how they ever flood my soul…..”

What do you get if you cross Monica Lewinsky and Viagra nasal spray?

A nose job..

It was graduation day, and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in his cap and gown, posing with his father.

“Let’s try to make this look natural,” she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”

Dad answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

(ACTUAL NOTES–UNEDITED!):

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1997.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man’s wife to her place of employment…a brothel.

During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, “I don’t mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?”

“That is impossible!” The man replied alarmingly. “My wife stays home while I am at work.”

“You are being deceived, sir,” the cab driver taunted. “As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place.”

Both men agreed and after dropping the man’s wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back.

“I do not wish to enter such a place,” began the man. “I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife.”

Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife.

The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside.

“Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife,” replied the man.

“I know,” answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. “I’m going back in after yours, that one’s mine!”

On the Valentine’s Day before the birth of our first child, I brought a flowering plant home to my wife. “They’re Mums,” I told her, pleased with my pun.

Since it was already a week past her due date, my wife quipped, “You should have gotten Impatiens.”