Jokes News

A man and women went into the dark forest to have sex.

After about 20 minutes the man says that he wishes he had a flashlight.

The women agrees and responds that she also wishes that HE had a flashlight because he has been eating grass for the last 15 minutes.

Why didn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?

Because whenever his wife got hot, he put her out.

Lorena Bobbit was going aroud the corner with John’s dick when she ran into Jeffery Dommer.

He looked in her hand and saw what she was carrying and asked, “Are you gonna eat that?”

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse? It’s like finding some sour milk in your fridge, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering, “Gee, I wonder if it’ll taste any better now.”

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled, COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

“Then why are you checking it out?”

“Because,” said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, . . . “I just started collecting moths last month!”

A man named Joe walked into a men’s room and saw a row of urinals along the wall. There was another man standing in front of the urinal, but he was not using it. His hands were all curled up. There was nobody else in the men’s room. Joe went and stood by the other man and used the urinal. When Joe had finished, the other man spoke. He said, “Sir, I don’t have the full use of my hands. Can you help me?”

Joe said, “Well, what do you want me to do?”

The man asked, “Can you please unzip me?” Joe was feeling uncomfortable, but he looked around and nobody else was there. He said, “Ok,” and reached over and unzipped the man’s pants.

Then the man said, “Sir, kind sir, I don’t have the full use of my hands. Can you please take it out?”

Joe was feeling even more uncomfortable, but he was trying to help this poor man. So, he reached over and took it out for the man. The man proceeded to urinate and then said,

“Sir, can you flick off the last few drops?”
Joe looked around again and said, “Ok.” Then Joe reached over and flicked off the last few drops.

Then, the man reached down and put it back in his pants, zipped up and walked away and said, “Thank you so much! I thought this nail polish would never dry!”

Some Polish Gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.

They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says “Okay, well, at least we can eat it.” So they eat the pudding.

They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn’t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.

Disappointed the head gangster said “Well, at least they left something for us to eat”.

The Next day, while listening to the news they hear: “Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people”.

A girl walks into a tattoo shoppe and asks for a tattoo of Elvis on the inside of her left thigh. The artist said, “Elvis is my specialty, c-mon in and have a seat!!”

As he finishes, she takes a look and says, “THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE ELVIS!”
He replies, “That is the best Elvis I have ever done.”
She disagrees. So he offers to do a mirror image on the other leg — so he gives her one on the inside of the other leg, perfect mirror image.
She says, “That looks better, but it don’t look like Elvis either.”

So he tells her to go out on the street, and if she finds ONE person that does not think the tattoos look like Elvis, then it’s on the house!!!!! Well…the first person she finds is an old wino. She pulls up her skirt and says, “Who do you think this is?”

He squints & stammers, “I don’t know who the twins are, but the one in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson.”