Jokes News

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain…”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I`m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You`re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief`s at his daughter`s wedding. He`ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don`t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I`m the groom.”

Once there were these three REALLY stupid spiders. All they ever wanted was to be smart. So, one day, they decided that they would go to a witch and see if she could make them smart.

“So, you want to be smart,huh?”, the witch asked. “Ok, I will make you smart but first, you must go out and learn three facts by yourselves to prove that you really want to be smart.” The spiders agreed and were on their way.

A couple days later, the three spiders returned, all very confident that they had learned three facts.

The first spider approached the witch and said, “Witch, you are going to be so proud of me. I learned that monkeys like bananas, water freezes when it’s cold and that money grows on trees!” The witch shook her head and sent the stupid spider on its way.

The second spider walked up to the witch and began to tell her his three facts. “Elephants have trunks, giraffes have long necks, and snakes have eight legs.” Again, the witch just shook her head and told the second spider to leave.

Finally, the third spider walked up to the witch and said, “Wait until you see what I learned, you’ll definetely want to make me smart!” The witch reluctantly listened to the spider. The spider reached into his pocket, and pulled out a flea. He put the flea on the ground and said,”Roll over.” The flea rolled over. “Speak” The flea let out a little “Squeek!” The witch was very impressed by the spider’s display. She said,”That is very impressive. What is the third thing you taught your little flea?” The spider picked up the flea, ripped off all of it’s legs, and placed it back on the ground. “Jump, Jump!” The spider yelled. But the flea just layed there. The spider looked at the witch and said, “See, when you rip off the flea’s legs, it goes deaf!”

There was a man that owned a new restaurant, and the next day was going to be the grand opening. But he had no name for it yet. So he decided to go out and conduct a survey.
The first man he asked had a demon inside him, so he was no help.

The next person he asked was a woman walking down the street.
“What should I name my restaurant?” he asked her.
“Suzie’s Legs,” she replied after some thinking.
“I’ll think about it.” Since no one else had a better name, he decide he would use Suzie’s Legs.

The next day was the grand opening. A man was standing at the corner waiting for the restaurant to open. Another man came by and asked him what he was doing.

The first man replied: “I’m waiting for Suzie’s Legs to open so I can get something to eat.”

1. Hey baby, why don’t you sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), “If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!”
3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
4.If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Fuck me if I’m wrong….but haven’t we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10.(offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you……of course, if I was on you, I’d be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let’s go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I’ll tell you.
15.Why don’t you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I’ll multiply.
16. What’s a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word “edible”
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name “Gillette”……cause
you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby…..can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt’s chaffing me…..
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free…. they lied, but I do accept American Express
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel…..So you better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us……No, lower!
33. You’re on my mind this Valentine’s Day…..I’d prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine’s Day I want you to know that I’m head-over-heels for you….and I know some other positions too.
35. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: “Your Honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he’s always picka his nose ana when we maka love, he’s a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis no more.”

The judge listens solemnly, then addresses Giuseppi. “Giuseppi, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose, and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself, eh?”

Giuseppa says, “Well, your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot, and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she’sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go’sa back to when I’ma young boy. My poppa, he’sa very smart man. I always follow ev’ryting he say. My poppa one day he say, “Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secret ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up!”

Your girlfriend is the centerfold in playboy, your son is on the wheaties box, and your wife is on the milk carton.

Sung to the tune of “The ballad of Jed Clampett”
From the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
Submitted by Rena

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Gore
A snippy Democrat, who was really quite a bore
On election day of his Presidential bout
He thought he lost the fight but he got to recount
ballots that is… punch cards… butterflies

Well the next thing you know they’re countin’ ‘em again
He lost a second time so he gave it all some spin
They said Palm Beach is the place you oughta be
So he hired legal experts from Tallahassee
Florida that is… sunshine state… deadlocked

Well the next thing you know they wanna change the rules
And play around with votes cause they think we’re a bunch of fools
They riled lotsa folks and they made a lotta fuss
Till Cheney came along and started kickin’ butts
Buttocks that is… liberal hineys… left-wing tuchas

Al Gore whined that the system wasn’t fair
After countin’ ballot holes that weren’t even there
Kate Harris said that the recount was a joke
But that didn’t stop the liberals from tallyin’ votes
Democrat votes that is… hangin’ chad… dimpled ballots

Well the State Supreme Court gave Gore another break
They let him count again cause the party was at stake
But just when he thought that his dream was born anew
The overseas votes gave it all to W
George W that is… Texas Governor… President-elect

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Al and all his kin
He tried to steal some votes but it didn’t help him win
You’re all invited over to his house in Tennessee
To sit around and blubber at his pity-party
Nashville that is… pout a while… have some sour grapes

Ya’ll have fun now… Ya Hear?

Q. What three two letter words mean small?

A. Is it in?

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: “It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof”

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it.”

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength.”

And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: “It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong.”

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, “It promotes growth, and is very powerful.”

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular.”

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.

And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.