Jokes News

What is the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale?

A white fairy tale begins with, “Once Upon a Time…” and a black fairy tale begins with, “You Ain’t Gonna Believe Dis Shit Muthafucka…”

One day Tarzan got into a bloody fight with a lion. Although he killed the lion Tarzan lost an eye, his right arm, and his genitals. Jane quickly took him to the friendly witch doctor to see if he could save the Lord of the Jungle. The witch doctor had no human parts to replace those missing so, he improvised. He carefully sewed the eye of an eagle into Tarzan’s skull, the arm of a female gorilla into his shoulder socket and, not having any male animal genitals, he sewed the trunk of a baby elephant between Tarzan’s legs.

Six weeks later Tarzan swings into the witch doctor’s office looking fit as a fiddle.

“Tarzan, you look marvelous”, exclaimed the witch doctor. “How are things working for you?”

“Well Doc, with this eye I can be in the tallest tree of the jungle, yet I can see the smallest ant on the jungle floor. With this arm I can swing through the trees all day long and never get tired!”

“Yes, yes and what about the, um well um, you know”, asked the doctor?

“Well Doc, Jane really likes it a lot and so would I, if it would just quit picking up peanuts and shoving them up my ass!”

what’s the difference between and blonde and a brick wall?

A brick wall doesn’t follow you around for a month after you lay it..

10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in ‘Deliverance.’)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else

you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)

5. I don’t date men where I work.(I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is

better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s the

Like a lot of other religions, Jews are also experiencing a resurgence of their faith.

In fact, one young Jewish girl I know was so very impressed after she had read Exodus, she had her nose changed back.

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bathrobe.

“Kate, my wife,” he says, “whatever is the matter? Yer still in yer robe.”

“Ah Danny,” says she, “tis poorly I’m feeling. I didn’t know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. ‘I’ll need a specimen,’ he says and hung up. Danny, I don’t know what a specimen is.”

“Ah lass, I don’t know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy, she’ll be able to tell ye.”

Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.

Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.

“Kate, what ever happened?”

“I told Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to sh** in her hat . . . and the fight was on.”

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer:
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(Good suggestion.)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(duuuhhhhh)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box:)
Warning: Do not turn upside down.
(Too late. You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Warning: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Warning: Do not iron clothes on body.
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Warning: Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery while taking this product.

(Boy, we could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we could just keep those 5 year olds off the fork lifts!)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(…or pets! What’s for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(okay, so now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Warning: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Warning: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh sure, that’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

I give Titanic 2 thumbs up - anything that ‘goes down’ for 3 hours is okay by me.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her fleece is black and short.

Tried to pet it yesterday,
Next week I go to court.