Jokes News

Why did the blonde fish swim backwards?

Because she didn’t want to get water in her eyes.

The big-rig driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in very short shorts.

“What’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

“It’s Snow - Roy Snow,” he answered. “And yours?”

“Me, I’m June Hansen,” she said. A few minutes down the road, she felt his gaze on her. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she challenged the trucker.

“Oh, I was just thinkin’ what it might be like,” he drawled, “having eight inches of Snow in June.”

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Give her a paper with “p.t.o.” written on both sides.

Two blondes were building a house, one on a ladder and one on the ground.

The blonde on the ladder kept taking 2 nails out of her pouch, hammering one in the house and throwing the other over her shoulder. The blonde on the ground looks at her, puzzled. She then asks, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The blonde on the ladder responds, “I pull 2 nails from my pouch, one is normal, it goes right in. The other is defective, it points the wrong way! So I throw it over my shoulder.”

The ground blonde screams at the ladder blonde, “You moron! Those nails get put in on the other side of the house!”

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from
birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

“It’s quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same
as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly
and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper
management.”

There was this couple that had been married for three years, and every morning at six o’clock they had sex. It was always at six a.m. Well one afternoon the husband was feeling very sick so he went to the doctor. after a long examination the docter told him he had several flu bugs just swimming around in his blood stream, so he gave him medicine that would kill them all. The man thanked him and went home.

Well inside of the mans body these three flu bugs got together and talked about what was happening. The first one said “When this guy takes that medicine, Im swimming up to the very top of his head, right above his brain. The medicine cant get me there” The second bug than said, “you think thats a good idea, im going to swim right down to his foot and to the end of the big toe, the medicine wont ever reach me there” The third bug had a smirk on his face. Whats your bright idea? asked the other bugs. Well, the bug replied “you guys can stick around here as long as you want but im packin up my shit and takin’ the six o’clock outta here!”

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

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Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken ‘Leif’ off my census.”

While a book reviewer for The New Yorker, Dorthy Parker went on her honeymoon. Her editor, Harold Ross, began pressuring her for her belated copy. She replied, “Too fucking busy and vice versa.”

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.

“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics.”

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100.

The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another $100 bill stuck to it.

Immediately the lawyer’s keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: Should he tell his partner?