Jokes News

Chicken Anyone?
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Karl Marx: It was an historically inevitability.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Bill Clinton : It all depends upon what your definition of “Cross the Road” is.

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honour of the GM’s fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. “NO VA” means, of course, in Spanish, “it doesn’t go”.

1. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose” into Spanish where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhoea.”

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

4. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, in Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (El Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).

8. Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela” meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole,” translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

10. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an a aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!”

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

1. Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

2. If a real beauty comes your way walking her dog, stop and pet it. That makes you her friend, and before you know it she’ll be introducing herself and shaking your hand, unless her dog is a pit bull. Then she’ll just introduce herself.

3. Bump into her rear end. I mean, if she’s driving ahead of you. This may cost you a hundred, but you’ll have her name, address, and phone number. The rest is up to you.

4. Making the scene in a sporty convertible with the top down still gets results. I was doing fine last week, until the girl had to jump out to bring my hair back.

5. If all of the above fails, book yourself on a cruise. And if you strike out there, forget my tips on how to meet women, but I’ve got some great ones on how to make a fortune in the stock market.

In Memory of:
George Burns (1896-1996)
R. I. P.

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

“But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have any children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.

She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.

“No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after.”

“My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis,” mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies.

“Hey man,” says the friend, “people don’t die of syphilis anymore.”

The angry biker replies, “They do when they give it to me!”

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head??

A: All-you-can-eat for under a buck!

Monica Lewinsky goes to her hard-of-hearing dry cleaner with yet another dress to have cleaned.

She says, “I need a spot on this dress removed”

“Come again?” says the hard-of-hearing drycleaner.

“No, mustard this time”