Jokes News

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said “I’m here because my house burned down and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood,and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”, he asked.

Old Mr. Rosenberg said to his physicist son, “Tell me something. Everyone says Albert Einstein was one of the greatest minds in the world. But what did he do?

“Among other things, Papa,” said his son, “he worked out the theory of relativity.”

“And what is that?”

Rosenberg’s son hesitated, then said, “Well, Papa, without going into detail, it’s a way of working out a theory of the universe by beginning with the assumption that some matters we have always considered to be absolute are really relative.”

“I don’t understand. What’s absolute? What’s relative?”

“It’s hard to explain, but let me give you an example. Time is time, isn’t it? An hour of time is an hour of time, no matter what. Right?

“Right.”

“Yet under certain conditions, that’s not so. To use an example that will give you an idea of what I mean, you will agree that if you spend an hour playing pinochle with your friends, it seems like a minute, but if you sit on a cake of ice for a minute, it seems like an hour.”

Old Rosenberg stared at his son and muttered softly, “An hour playing pinochle is like a minute; a minute on a cake of ice is like an hour.” Then he said, “One more thing—is it from nonsense like this that Einstein made a living?”

Son: Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the white men who took this land from them?

Father: You bet. When the Indians were the sole occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work.

What could be more superior than that?

Here’s a nasty limerick:

Miss Mary Brown
said no man could lay her down,
but over the hill came piss pot Pete
with twenty pounds of swinging meat.

He laid her on the grass
and put it in her ass,
but she blew a fart
that knocked his balls apart
Back over the hill went piss pot Peete
with twenty pounds of shredded beef!

Dear Friends,

This letter is being sent to you for I know that you are certainly interested in your lawn. The spring season is about to arrive, and it is time to act if you want a truly spectacular lawn this summer.

This is a fertilizer chain letter. It will cost you nothing. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address of the person on the top of this list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one doing this so don’t be embarrassed.

Then add your name and address to the bottom of the list and send out five copies of the letter to five of your friends who appreciate a good organic lawn. You will not get any money or checks, but within a few weeks, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,255 people shitting on your front lawn. Your reward will come next year when you have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt
235 Corn Cob Alley

Mr. Smell B. Hind
275 Diarrhea Way

Mrs. Lucy Bowels
298 Bedpan Road

Mr. C. Howie Fartz
267 Fertilizer St.

A. Bigger Movement
145 Enema Drive

Mr. Charlie Syringe
340 Suppository Lane

Mrs. Minnie Crap
690 Rectum Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this on to a friend or neighbor. Do not break the chain. One man didn’t give a shit and lost his whole lawn. Also, If you just have a small lawn, you may only want to send out 3 copies of this letter instead of 5 or things could get a bit messy.

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives.

Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (”Will it cook faster if I drive faster?”), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!

* Home alone…
A Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

* Birdie, eagle and turkey?
Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called “Turkey Central” for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

* Taking turkey preparation an extra step…
A Virginian wondered, “How do you thaw a fresh turkey?” The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.

* Don’t wait until the last minute!
On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the “Be prepared” motto to heart. She had just agreed to host the next Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton!
A Southern woman called to comment, “On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.” (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run…
A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

* Tofu turkey?
No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* White meat, anyone?
A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, “Medium.”

* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, “Yes,” then offered complete roasting directions.

***** HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! *****

Three hillbillies decided to buy a pig to enter in the county fair. After they had the pig for about a year the thing didn’t gain any weight. So the hillbillies decided to put a cork in the pig’s ass.

After about 6 months the pig was ready for the fair, gaining a good 150-200 lbs. They went to the fair and won First Place. The hillbillies went home and one of them said, “We gotta take out the cork now that the fair is over.” None of them wanted to be the one to remove the cork, so they all decided to buy a monkey and train it how to remove corks from wine bottles. After 3 months of training the monkey was ready.

The 3 hillbillies then took the monkey out to the pig pen and showed him the cork. The monkey pulled out the cork and the pig exploded. The 3 hillbillies went to the hospital and the monkey died.

The doctor asked the hillbillies one by one what happened. The first one said, “All I saw was sh*t flyin everywhere!”
The second said, “All I saw was sh*t flyin everywhere”
The third said, “All I saw was the monkey tryin to put the cork back in!”