Jokes News

How did the firefly feel when he ran into the fan?

De-lighted

A gang of bikers walk into a bar and orders a few drinks each. After 10 minutes or so, one of them notices a small man, in his 30’s, slightly overweight and balding. He whispers to the others, and they all start to walk slowly over to the table at which he is sitting. Finding him vulnerable and defenseless, they begin to tease him. Some poke him with their forks, others drop their cigarettes into his coffee, all the while laughing at him. The small man says nothing. He simply gets up and walks out the door of the bar.

One member of the gang watches all of this with amusement, and says to one of the girls behind the counter, “He wasn’t much of a guy, was he?”

She paused for a moment, while looking out the window of the bar. Finally, she responded, “Nah, not much of a driver either. He just backed over 8 motorbikes with his semi-trailer.”

What the quickest way to a woman’s heart?

Through her cervix.

Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They’d never been on a train before and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey.

The men bought their tickets and got on board. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats and no lights. In spite of this, thetwo men began to really enjoy their journey.

After half an hour or so, the two men decided to each have an orange. Just as the first man began to eat, the train entered a tunnel.

“Have you eaten your orange yet?” asked the first man.

“No,” said the second man.

“Well, DON’T TOUCH IT!” said the first man. “I took one bite and went blind.”

Fireman comes home from work talking about the new system they have a work.
1 Bell, put on their clothes,
2 Bells, slide down the pole,
3 Bells, Jump on the truck and ride to the Fire.

The wife says, “That sounds good, why don’t we set up something at home?” They do.

The next day he comes home and decides to try the system.
1 Bell, they jump out of their clothes,
2 Bells, they jump in the bed,
3 Bells, they make love.

All goes well until the wife screams, “4 BELLS!”

The fireman asked, “What is 4 Bells?” and she replies,
“MORE HOSE!!!”

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her pussy” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. “I followed all the instructions to the letter,” she told her doctor, “and used it with the jelly.” When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied “Grape.”

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s rectum was removed….along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

Financier Russell Sage was in consultation with his attorney. His lawyer was delighted with the case Sage had just laid before him. “It’s an ironclad case,” he exclaimed with confidence. “We can’t possibly lose!”

“Then we won’t sue,” said Sage. “That was my opponent’s side of the case I gave you.”

After ten years of incarceration in an insane asylum, the remarkable Ralph Tibney seemed to have made a remarkable recovery. “While you were here,” the doctor said, “you actually acquired a doctorate in chemistry. If I recommend that you be released, what do you plan to do?”

“I plan to go to work doing R&D for a major corporation.”

“Good…and if you can’t get a job?”

“Then I’ll see if I can get a grant and open my own lab.”

“Very sound,” the doctor agreed. “And if these options fail?”

“Well,” Tibney shrugged, “I can always get a job as a doorbell!”