Jokes News

Dirty Limmericks

1.
There once was a lad from Mass
Who’s balls were made of fine brass
In stormy weather they clanged together
And sparks would fly out of his ass!

2.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover dove her and said “Hey, I got a bone of my own!’

What goes “ho ’swoosh’, ho ’swoosh’, ho ’swoosh’?

Santa Claus stuck in a revolving door!

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

One day Father Murphy couldn’t find his cat. Once he did, he found it in a tree. The tree was too high for him to climb so he tied a rope to the branch and the other end to his truck.

He began to pull the branch down and was almost done when the rope broke.

The cat went soaring through the air.

He went all through the neighborhood to see if anyone saw it but no one did.

A week later he saw one of his parishoners in the store. She had a bag of cat food. However, she wasn’t a cat person.

Father Murphy asked her about this. She replied that her daughter kept asking her for a cat. The lady said if God gave her a cat she could keep it.

The daughter went outside and knelt down in the yard. Just then a cat came flying towards her.

Q. WHY DID PAULA JONE’S CASE AGAINST PRES. CLINTON GET DISMISSED?

A. BECAUSE SHE SWALLOWED ALL THE EVIDENCE!!!!

The scene:

A lake, hovering 4 inches above the lake is a fly. Looking at the fly, a fish thinks to himself, “If that fly would just drop 4 inches I could get the fly.”

On the side of the lake a bear sees this and thinks to himself, “If that fly would just drop 4 inches, the fish would jump and get the fly and I could get the fish.”

Nearby, a hunter sees this and thinks to himself, “If that fly would just drop 4 inches the fish would jump up and get the fly, the bear would get the fish and I could shoot the bear.”

Behind the hunter, a mouse sees this and thinks, “If that fly would just drop 4 inches, the fish would jump and get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I could get the cheese.”

From the other side, a cat sees this and thinks to himself, “If that fly would just drop 4 inches, the fish would jump up and get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, the mouse would get the cheese and I could get the mouse.”

Well the scenario happens as described. The fly drops four inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear and drops his sandwich, and the mouse gets the cheese. The cat lunged at the mouse, but missed and fell into the water instead.

Morale of the story:
Every time a fly drops 4 inches, a pussy gets wet.

Two Indian chiefs were sitting outside their teepees one day.

One chief said to the other one, “You know, Running Bull has a cock so long he has to tie a knot in it.”

The other chief said, “How cum?”

After the successful D-Day invasion of France during World War II, General Dwight Eisenhower, the Allied Supreme Commander overseeing the invasion was inspecting a British section of the Allied Lines when German planes came over and strafed them. The party dived for cover. As soon as it was safe to emerge a senior British officer hurried across to see if Eisenhower was all right. Finding him unharmed, he expressed his relief in fervent terms. Ike thanked him for his solicitude. “Oh,” said the officer, “my concern was just that nothing should happen to you in MY sector.”