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Potential Murder Suspect

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

7. Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

8. Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She’d just dyed her hair.
A2: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they’re on their back.

16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of ‘em in a car and they’re fucked.

17. Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

18. Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blonde’s eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

30. Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

31. Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”

37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

38. Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

41. Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

42. Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

45. Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”

46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

53. Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”

55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

59. Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: “Thanks, Guys!”
A2: “Are you boys all in the same band?”
A3: Do you guys all play for the ?
A4: Who were all those guys?

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.

67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”

72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don’t know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”

78. Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”

79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They’re doing research on black holes.

82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

84. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it’s mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: “Are you sure it’s mine?”

87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking
down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a
smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

97. Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.

99. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q:What do you get when you breed a bulldog and a shitzu?

A:Bullshit!

George accosted his neighbor and asked, “Hey, Jerry, do you like middle-aged women with thin, wispy mustaches?”

“Of course not,” replied Jerry emphatically.

“Do you like women who are so fat that they look like they’re pregnant?”

“I wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole,” Jerry avowed steadfastly.

“How about women with breasts sagging down to their navels?”

“Yuck! Absolutely not! They don’t turn me on,” Jerry declared resolutely.

“Then tell me this. Why are you screwing around with my wife?” demanded George.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…..size 44 long.”

Joe laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a minute and said “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve
and…18 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s
see….9 wide.”

Joe was astonished. That’s right. How did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Joe was beginning to feel great when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

“Let’s see…size 36. ”

Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Bob: My wife drives like lightning.

Ted: She drives fast?

Bob: No, she hits trees!

Not to put down internet travel sites, but this one definetely takes the cake. I will not reveal the name of this site however, because that just wouldn’t be right.
*****************************************************

I was planning a trip from Utah, to a little town in Colorado, and I wanted to plan my mileage out, using internet “driving direction” maps. I did pretty well, until I tried to get from Delta, Colorado to Montrose, Colorado. To make a long story short, that little jont south is between 20 and 30 miles. This is what the directions off the internet told me: (This is also the condensed version. The print out was 3 pages long.)

0:00-Depart Delta, CO
0:39-Turn right onto SR-141
0:49-Turn Turn right ont I-70
0:51-At I-70 Exit 37, turn right onto I-70
4:28-At I-70 Exit 270, bear left onto I-76
7:18-ENTERING NEBRASKA

(At this point I thought WOW! That is definetely wrong. If you don’t know where Nebraska is, go right now and grab a map okay. You’ll need it for the rest.
After that, it went sort of like this, minus all the roads.)

12:48 ENTERING IOWA
17:25 ENTERING ILLINOIS
20:05 ENTERING INDIANA
20:52 ENTERING MICHIGAN
24:20 ENTERING ONTARIO (Canada, by the way)
32:13 ENTERING QUEBEC (Huh?!)
38:02 ENTERING NEW BRUNSWICK
43:28 ENTERING NOVA SCOTIA
62:04 ENTERING NeWFOUNDLAND

Then, and this is the best part, trust me.
246:53 ARRIVE MONTROSE, COLORADO

After entering Newfoundland, we turn left onto “local roads” and travel 4,543.1 miles back to Montrose, Colorado.
All in all, it will take me 7,638.8 miles and 10 days, 6 hours, and 54 minutes, to travel a whoppin 21 miles that I could have figured out on my own. I think when I’m old and retired, I may actually try it that way!

2 photographers are filming lions in the African plains when the lions notice them and begin to walk towards them.
One photographer starts to change into a pair of Nike running shoes.

‘No use doing that, you’ll never out run a lion,’ the second photographer says

The first guy replies, ‘I don’t give a fuck about the lion, as long as I outrun you I’ll be fine.’