Jokes News

Yo mama so fuckin fat and ugly that when she went to Japan they all screamed “GODZILLA HAS RETURNED”

Three men were walking through an alley when they spotted a genie lamp. They rubbed it vigorously to see what would happen.

The genie came out and said, “I am the Genie of the lamp. Since there are three of you, you will each have one wish.”

They all thought long and hard then the first guy said, “I want to be 10% smarter.” *POOF* he’s 10% smarter.

Well the second guy wanted to top the first. He wanted to be 50% smarter, so *POOF* he was 50% smarter.

Well the third guy wanted to top them both and he said, “I want to be 100% smarter.”

So *POOF* the genie turned him into a woman.

Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?

She couldn’t find the 11.

The pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired straight away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring General’s body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!)

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.00.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. “From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls.”

The pension man said that would be fine but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer arrived and asked the General to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “Where are your testicles?”

The General replied, “In Vietnam.”

President Clinton and Hillary were back in Arkansas visiting their old stomping grounds.

While they were driving around, they saw that they needed gas, so they pulled into a gas station.

Lo and behold, the owner of the gas station was one of Hillary’s old boyfriends. So they shot the breeze and talked about old times.

After they drove away, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “See, now if you had married that guy, you’d be part owner of a gas station.”

Hillary replied, “If I had married that guy, he’d be President of the United States.”

Rosalina, a lovely young lass,
had a truly magnificent ass!
Oh, not rounded and pink,
as you probably think.
It was gray, had long ears and ate grass!

These four ladies were playing cards one Monday, and the 91-year-old lady said, “I am getting bored. I think I will get a job.”

Well, the other three ladies started laughing and said,”Where do you think you could find a job?”

She replied, “I don’t know, but I am going to try.”

A week went by, and they were playing cards again. The little 91-year-old lady said, “Well, I got a job.”

The others again started laughing and asked, “Where are you working?”

She said, “I am working for a sperm bank.”

Then they asked, “Well, whatever do you do there?”

She said, “I stand at the door and, as the men leave, I say, ‘Thank you for coming.’”

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!