Jokes News

Q: Why do men sleep on their sides?

A: Kickstands

An old geezer was watching television when he screamed to his wife, “Get in here right now. You won’t believe the perverted thing they’re showing on TV.”

His wife took one look, then said, “Put your glasses on, you old goat! That’s just Castro eating a banana.”

Yo’ mama head so big, she two steps aHEAD of everybody.

Yo’ mama so old, I saw her yesterday wearing a thriller jacket. Old school busta.

Q:How do you confuse a blond?
A:Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q:How does she confuse you?
A:She asks if the W,E,M, or 3 goes first

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian drunks got in a fight over some neckwear.

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!”

They yell back, “We’re not fucking!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!” Again they yell back, “We’re not fucking!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no fucking!” They yell back, “We’re not fucking!!”

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He’s not even halfway up before his wife and the new man act on their attraction, and start to go at it like wild dogs.. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re fucking.”

As you know, I have been delivering presents to good boys and girls for several centuries, but after bypass surgery last Spring, I feel that I can no longer visit every home on earth in the early hours of Christmas morning.
Accordingly, I have asked a distant cousin on my father’s side if he would assume some of my responsibilities by visiting the homes in the southern USA, as he is from the deep South himself…actually the South Pole. His name is Bubba Claus, and although you may notice a family resemblance, you should be aware of some basic differences between us.

1. Instead of milk and cookies on the fireplace, Bubba prefers and RC Cola and pork rinds.

2. His sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flying coon-dogs.
Instead of listening for “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen”, you’ll hear “On JimBob, on Buford, on Junior and Tex, on Billy, on Darrell, on Darrel and Rex.”

3. “Ho ho ho” will be replaced by “Yeee Haw!”

4. Instead of the traditional Christmas lights on the sleigh, Bubba has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off”. It is illuminated by a Chevy logo with red and green lights flashing through the letters.

5. Bubba wears a John Deere cap but no belt, so the ladies may want to turn the other way when he bends to put presents under the tree.

6. Instead of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, radio stations all across Dixie will be playing “Here Comes Bubba Claus” and “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six-Pack”.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

There was this guy who found a lamp… yeah you know, he rubs it, a genie comes out, tells him he has three wishes….but you see, this genie said that whatever he wished for, his worst enemy would get twice that. (If he wished for a million dollars, his enemy would get two million)

Well, the man’s enemy was his neighbor, Bill. So when the guy wished for a hundred beautiful women, Bill, of course, got two hundred women, even more beatiful than his.

His next wish was for a twenty story mansion. Right before him stood a beautiful twenty story mansion, but inevitably, next door, Bill got a forty story mansion.

Okay, so now this guy is getting really pissed off. So he takes a deep breath and says, “I wish I could lose one testicle.”