Jokes News

“Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. To make matters worse, I was alone and weaponless . . .”

“Goodness! What did you do?”

“What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyeballs, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet, he kept creeping up on me; I had to think fast . . . .”

“How did you get away?”

“Well, I just left him and passed on to the other cages.”

Manpower was recently selecting a new research officer for General Motors.

Part of selction process involved asking the three shortlisted women what they would do if they were overpaid $5,000.

The first women said that she would spend all the money on new clothes and shoes and hope that she wouldn’t have to pay it back.

The second women said that she would invest the money on the Dow, double her money overnight and pay the $5,000 back.

The third women said that she would go straight to the boss and give the $5,000 back right away.

Who got the job??

The one with the biggest tits, of course!

You might be a redneck if…
“Your 5 year old son has a better sex life than you”
“Somebody yells hodown and your girlfriend hits the floor”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “My hands are freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again riding in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid…”

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother. “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

The slightly concerned mother said, “Sure, why do you ask?

The daughter replied, “Well, they make one heck of a mess when they defrost.”

What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?

She turned around and took it like a man.

Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies, all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at HER house and was sorry she had neglected to telephone.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

A woman with fourteen children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

“When did he desert you?” the judge asked.

“Thirteen years ago,” she answered.

“If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?”

“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”

I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that…

Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied.

Section 1.01. I’ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream “Who’s your daddy” and grunt like a sea lion.

Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a man’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when your cut yourself shaving, wreck the new car or start a fire in the kitchen, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to the male species – it WILL be my fault…even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. I will NEVER invite my friends over for a ‘guy’s night out’, I will tell them that you are the only one for me and you are all I need for fun, football and beer are not exceptions.

Section 3.01. I shall never mention our sex life in the workplace, to your friends or mine unless it in some way fully compliments you.

Section 3.02. I will shower frequently, scrubbing every inch with the strongest soap known to mankind.

Section 4. After making love (which I will never refer to as sex, hanky panky, wild thing, or any other vulgar screwed up terminology) I promise to cuddle with you, despite how dead my arm will become, and I swear not to practice the hug and roll technique as demonstrated by Ross on friends.

Section 4.01. I promise to call my member all the cute nicknames you make up for it.

Section 5. In bed, I will be slow and gentle. I will never press you to try stupid positions, fall asleep, or roll on top of you, pump away for a whole five minutes and wheeze like an old man with emphysema.

Section 5.01. I will never make a suggestion having anything to do with any type of lesbianism or bisexualism. In fact, the word “Lesbian” will never leave my mouth, or be in my pea –sized, one-track brain.

Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym at least 2 hrs a day in order to keep my gut from hanging over my pants.

Section 5.03. I promise never to compare you to other women, whether in my mind or out loud, even when your breasts are to your knees.

Section 5.04. I promise not to whine when your legs have gnarly forest hairs sprouting from them, or use the term “Buckwheat in a Headlock.” I will also shave my beard in order to prevent any discomfort to you.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends, relatives or colleagues. Or anyone you have met or will one day meet. IF, and I say this loosely IF, a woman attempts to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other women.”

Section 6.01. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and electrical appliances are beyond the comprehension of men and will only take them to a ‘trained’ specialist for repair. The only exceptions are sports equipment, tools, garbage disposal and other objects that are mine and I am permitted to ruin.

Being of sound mind and body (with the exception of my beer gut), I, enter this relationship contract.

Signed _____________________________________ applicant (that’s you stupid)

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and undulated and panted. Then, suddenly, the woman cocked her ear.

“Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you,” she replied with a wink and a smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you?” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But… but you’ve got no clothes on!” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise, and said, “Those little bastards!”