Jokes News

Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod towards upstairs. The mother turns back to the boys and says, “We’re going upstairs for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV. We’ll be right back. OK?”

The two boys nod OK and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on now and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes to his little brother.

“Come with me,” he says.

And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says,
“Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs!!”

A blonde goes to take her driving test…she has studied very hard for this test. When she comes home from taking the test, her friend asked her how she did.

The blonde answered, “Well, the officer said I did very well, but I still don’t understand why he gave me an “F” on gender…”

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” answered the roommate. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car! What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner.”

Elizabeth Taylor’s fabulous diamond ring drew the attention of Princess Margaret, who remarked, “That’s a bit vulgar.”

Miss Taylor persuaded the princess to try on the ring. “There, it’s not so vulgar now, is it?” she said.

A lady was sitting in a bar talking to the bartender. The bartender flicked the ashes off his cigarette and the cherry fell of into the ashtray.

“Shit, I just lost my cherry,” said the bartender.

The woman responded, “I lost my cherry too.. but I still have the box it came in.”

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.

The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: “Baaaa”, then re-joined the flock.

10. Her sweatshirts all say “PineSol Just Do it”

9.Kitchen utensils used by Mayo Clinic

8.When you walk through house she follows you like member of Olympic Curling Team

7. Likes to wear same outfit worn by Dustin Hoffman in “Outbreak”

6. Bathroom mirror could be used as lens in Hubble Space Telescope

5. Uses broomsticks for firewood

4. dog’s name is “Ajax”

3. Guest room is used Apollo astronaut quarantine chamber

2. Garage is car wash

And the number One Clue you mother is a “Cleanaholic”..

When you say, “Hi mom!” she waves back in small, circular motions………….

Q. What did the Hat say to the Hat-Rack?

A. You stay here, I’ll go on A HEAD.