your momma is so stupid she brought a cup to an ICE T concert

Dear dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************
Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

10. I’d get to see what my paycheck looks like.
9. I’d get to see what my credit cards look like.
8. I’d remember what an erection looks like.
7. Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
6. I could use my own name at hotels.
5. I wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
4. You can see other women better when you don’t have to look out the corner of your eye.
3. When asked his opinion, a single guy can say “Hell yes, you’re fat!”
2. I could put my trophy for “The Biggest Beer Gut” in the living room where it belongs.
1. I could spend more time thinking up jokes instead of excuses.

I wonder if Bill Gates ever has sex, or is he happy enough screwing PC users all over?

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man, than for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.