Jokes News

your momma is so stupid she brought a cup to an ICE T concert

Dear dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************
Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

10. I’d get to see what my paycheck looks like.
9. I’d get to see what my credit cards look like.
8. I’d remember what an erection looks like.
7. Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
6. I could use my own name at hotels.
5. I wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
4. You can see other women better when you don’t have to look out the corner of your eye.
3. When asked his opinion, a single guy can say “Hell yes, you’re fat!”
2. I could put my trophy for “The Biggest Beer Gut” in the living room where it belongs.
1. I could spend more time thinking up jokes instead of excuses.

I wonder if Bill Gates ever has sex, or is he happy enough screwing PC users all over?

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man, than for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A tourist guide brought a group of tourists from the MidWest to the New York City zoo. Stopping in front of the elephant’s enclosure, the tourist guide began his lecture, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant - the largest animal to roam the land. Everyday, the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of banana, 6 tons of hay and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits…”

Seeing a woman tourist getting near an elephant, the tourist guide warned, “Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… uhh, Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… MADAM… MADAM… oops, too late; Hey, George, dig her out, will ya?”

One day a traveling fool came to a new land he had not seen before. While talking to a merchant in town, he came to find out that all the townspoeple seemed to worship a local bird known as the Foo Bird. As legend has it, anyone who dishonors the Foo Bird in any way will die.
Just then, a Foo Bird flew overhead and dropped a Foo-poo on the fool, who immediately wiped it off in disgust. All of a sudden the sky grew dark, and a lightning bolt struck and killed the fool.

Moral: If the foo shits, wear it!

Who ran the first electronics shop?

Adam. He supplied a spare part for the first loudspeaker.

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.

A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down around his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get someone’s help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.

“What happened to you?” asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight…

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, “This just ain’t been your day, has it boy!”

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

5) If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit to another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?

10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.