Jokes News

Kelvin comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,

“What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Kelvin.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kelvin overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Kelvin, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Kelvin.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Kelvin, and Kelvin crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Kelvin doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Kelvin sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

we recently had a birthday party for my son.
He just turned 10.
You know, that first boy/girl party.
So the kids played post office.
It was horrible… 4 kids were shot.

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”

“No,” Manny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”

“Listen,” his friend suggests, “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole Mother?”

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. “So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet–one that’s just like your Mother?”

Manny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends.”

So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? “Are you and this girl engaged, yet?”

“I’m afraid not. My Father can’t stand her!”

Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his!

Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby:
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? Carol

Dear Carol:
Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie!

Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam

Dear Sam:
Yes, run for public office.

Dear Abby:
What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess

Dear Bess:
Night and day.

A kindergarden teacher wanted to teach her kids ‘grown up’ words one day. She would ask her kids to describe something and tell them the correct form of the words that were babyish.

She asked the first student, “Nicole, what machine moves on railroad tracks?”
Nicole answered, “The choo-choo!”
The teacher said, “No, you mean the train.”
Nicole replied, “The train!”
The teacher rewarded her with a gold star.

Next the teacher called on Kevin.
The teacher asked, “What pet goes ‘meow’?”
Kevin said, “A kitty-cat.”
The teacher said, “It’s not a kitty-cat, it’s a cat.”
Kevin said, “A cat!”
The teacher rewarded Kevin with a silver star.

Finally, the teacher called on Howie. The teacher asked Howie, “Howie, I know you’ve been listening… can you tell me your favourite story?”

Howie replied by saying, “I know! I know! Winnie The Shit!”

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for tories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
**************************************
The lowlights:
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1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more. “I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,”
18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

During World War II, Mrs. Anderson decided to celebrate Thanksgiving by having several soldiers in as guests. She called the neighboring army base, was connected with one of the first sergeants, and asked that three soldiers be sent to her house the following Thursday.

“And Sergeant,” she added, “I do not wish any of them to be Jewish.”

“I understand, ma’am,” said the sergeant.

Came Thursday and on Mrs. Anderson’s doorstep stood three fine looking black soldiers in spotless uniforms. “We’re here for Thanksgiving, ma’am,” said one of the soldiers politely.

Mrs. Anderson, eyes wide, sputtered, “But—but—but—your sergeant must have made a mistake.”

“No, ma’am,” said the black positively, “Sergeant Cohen doesn’t make mistakes.”

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

“And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked.

“It is very simple. First, you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the podium and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.”

So the very next Sunday, the Reverend did as was suggested, and Lo and Behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.

Now the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So he waited a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hynosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch hit the podium with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

“Crap!” exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the auditorium.