Jokes News

3 men walk past a magical fence. If you jump over it and say what you want you will land in a big pile of what you wanted.

The 1st guy jumps and says “money”.

The 2nd guy says “toys”.

The 3rd guy jumps catches his pants on the fence and yells “SHIT”.

And so he lands in a big pile of it.

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?

A: Cover me, I am going in!!!

A snail entered a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said “We don’t serve snails, so get out.”

Later on, the snail asked for a drink. The bartender said “I told you, we don’t serve snails, now get you scrawny ass out of here.”

Some time later, the snail again asked for a drink. This time, the bartender said nothing, and threw the snail out of the window.

Three years passed, the snail returned and said to the bartender, “What did you do that for?”

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’. ‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman‘.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

‘It’s always the same thing with you!’ the man then shouts to the dog, ‘I’ll show you how to do it one last time’.

An enormous funeral wound its way through the streets of the town, and, in every way, no sign of sorrow had been stinted, right down to the open cars filled with flowers.

A bystander, who had been away from the neighborhood for a while, nudged a neighbor. “Who died?” he whispered.

“Big Angelo’s girlfriend,” said the other.

“Big Angelo’s girlfriend? But she was so young! What did she die of?”

“Gonorrhea.”

“Gonorrhea! But that’s impossible. No one dies of gonorrhea.”

“You do when you give it to Big Angelo.”

Q: HOW CAN U TELL A BLONDE WAS PLAYING WITH THE JOY STICK?
A: IT IS ALL WET AND JUICY!

The newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the big burly husband tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on”.

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers”, she said.

“That’s right”, said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man and I wear the trousers in this family!”
With that she flipped him her knickers and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. “Shit”, he said “I can’t get into your knickers.”

“That’s right”, she said, “and that’s the way it’s going to be until your attitude changes!!!”

Once, there were three people stranded on a deserted island, a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette. The closest civilization was 20 miles away. They decided that their only hope was to swim back to the mainland.

The redhead swam out 10 miles, got tired, and drowned.
The brunette swam out 15 miles, got tired, and drowned.
The blonde swam 19 and 5/6th miles, got tired, and swam back to the island.